Like Crazy?

Do you really make plans in your life, for your future? Do you try to estimate what you will be doing, not long only a few years ahead?

I did! Yesterday, I sat down and tried to see what I am going to be into for the next couple of years. Curious what I found out? Honestly, not much. Yet, it doesn't mean I will not be doing anything; there are so many outcomes for later future as well. Most annoying part is “I cannot be sure about any of my later future.” It actually gets me excited as well, as it might turn out to be better than my expectation. So, uncertainty is not that bad!

It is so obvious that I will be working like crazy like I have been doing for the last couple of years. Oh really? I cannot stop myself from asking; why? My first reason for my work; a quote from my Uncle Hamit:

“In this world, the amount of the health, respect, life, and peace is equal to the amount of the money you have.”

Am I a workaholic because I want to save money and save money, and save money? Do you really think that’s what I am? Unfortunately you haven’t got to know me yet, if you really think that’s what I am. I have a lot more than that. I agree that, this is what it looks like when you look at my life as an outsider. Yet, no. My lifespan is based on more than that. I am aware of the fact that, working and making money and saving money is not my key that will take me to happiness. But, money is the key and/or the tool that will take me to where I can find happiness at this point.

My second reason is another quote from my grandma, whom I never met in this life:

                “WORK, even if you know what you are going to make is going to be your enemy’s.”

Yes, I am not a lazy ass person who sits down and wait for someone feed me or take care of me. I have never been one, and I am not planning to be one too. I work, I even overwork to make sure I will maintain my life. I will not wait for the job I want find me. If I am not able to get what I actually want to do, then I will continue to work for it as at some point it will be mine as long as I do work for it. I might be working something that has nothing to do what I want to do; yet, is it a better idea not to do anything? Come on now, you will not get anything waiting there for it not doing anything for it.

My own reason:

I need it, for the plans I have in my mind. When I think about the projects in my mind, they even scare me. I am not the type of person who will get into debt for what he wants to do. Debt has been my nightmare and daycare for my entire life. I have learned not to get into debt from my father. Is my father so good at managing money that he taught me that? Hell no! He is the worst; I learned what NOT to do from my dad when it comes to money. He is a best dad ever for a child, but I would not want to deal with money the way he does. He basically does not stop being in debt; it bugs him.

I do not need millions; I only need enough to make me feel comfortable. I know what to do after, once I am at that comfortable level. I am currently working on the first step of my first project which I am planning to start in about two years’ time. Time is so fast, but I need it in order to get fully ready for what I want to do. I am preparing a website now. I never did that before. My relationship with computer has been limited to my assignments I prepared on my PC, internet use and basic computer skills. Once I prepared the project in my mind I realized I need a lot more than what I do with my PC. Many thanks to my dearest friends Resul Ekrem, Ugur, Ilker and my super cousin Tolga; they have enlightened me about where to start from. Once I complete the web design part, I will still get their ideas about how to improve the rest. They are my computer geniuses.

When this projects starts, I will be pursuing my education. I will be back in school to get my PhD. I might even start my PhD earlier, but at this point it doesn't seem to be possible because of my financial limits. Going to school in US is not same as in home. It is expensive, and once you are in school your school load does not let you work as much as you need to pay for your school. My friends back in Turkey sometimes ask my “why don’t you continue your education?” Man, it is easier said than it is done. Being successful is not the key to be in school in here; you really need money to be on your side.

Maybe after I start my PhD, I might try to have more of a normal life. Right now, I do not see myself anywhere close to my ambitions, so most of my life is work.

At this point, I have such a good ambition that it might even take me a lot further than I think to go. Here is what I want to do; many of my friends back in Turkey might be laughing at me because it would be so much simpler if I tried to do it in Turkey:

“I want to be a professor at a highly scaled institution; I even know where I want to be, but I will not write it here as I do not want to make anyone think –Elvan has gone crazy.”

In order to be an academician, you have to be in school, you have to be a graduate student or more. In order to be a student, you will need the money. In order to have the money you have to work. Right now, I am working to get to the point where I can start my project which will give me the chance to have enough outcomes to be able to become a student. See? Because I want to become a professor I will probably become rich at some point, but it is not actually what I want.

Money is just a tool for me to get to my ambition. So, please, do not think I am going crazy, doing nothing but work, work, work. I am working because I have an ambition; I believe it is going to happen and it will make me happy. I do not have much space in my life for too much more than my work as long as I am still on my way to my ambitions.

If you are curious about what I found out when I tried to see where I am going to be in my short term future, keep reading me. You will see where I am, just as I found when I thought about it.

Stay well, love your world. Being a lover is always better than being a hater.

Disembodied

Years ago, I have felt myself being disembodied.

It was not painful; the only thing I felt was me being separated from my body. I got up from my sleep, sat on my bed, then stood and pushed myself up slowly; I turned back and looked at my bed, saw myself still laying down there. I was so light, and able to move slowly and steadily. I wasn’t able to move too fast if I wanted to, but could accelerate slowly if I tried. It felt like playing with a balloon at a birthday party. I liked it. I simply thought, “I am having such a nice dream in which I can travel.”

With the freedom provided by my lightweight I decided to take a walk. Stepping outside, I realized I felt out of the place.

“Oh no, that’s not where I was sleeping!”

I was supposed to be in the Beach City. That’s where I was working for the summer. But, all of a sudden I was in my hometown.

“Something is not right! Who cares, I am at home. I can go ahead and visit my parents.”

I had not been home for a long time. After starting college, I had a continuous work program year long. I was working as an interpreter and program coordinator when in school, and in summer break I was coming to Beach City to make some extra money and stand on my own feet. I never liked asking for help from my parents. Because of this tight schedule I was not able to go home for most of my holidays, while most of my friends were being excited to get a break and go home. So, that was a great time for a surprise visit to parents and brothers.

It was an early morning in Rise City. I was walking down the main street, and I completely forgot that I was walking in my dream. It looked weird to me, city was pretty awkward. All pavements were modernized, people looked more like European.

“Has it been so long that I haven’t been here? Why everything looks so different?”

When I arrived in the city center, I realized the bank where my dad used to send me for paying his small bills. This corner reminds me a lot of memories. My childhood has been around here.

“Oh, wait! Dad has a small store here, why not stop by?” “I have the keys; I can simply unlock and get the store ready for opening. It will be a nice surprise for daddy.”

That street felt like it would go forever. Somehow, I missed dad’s store. I couldn't find it. It feels so weird not to be able to find a place that you have almost grown up in. I should be able to find dad’s store if they left me in the middle of the city my eyes blinded. Somehow, it had turned into the hardest thing ever to do to find it.

I decided to take a tour around the city; I would probably see some people I know. We could sit and go for a drink somewhere. Rise City is a small place; people know each other even if they do not have close friendships. While walking back down the street I saw a friend of mine from high school.

“Hi Fernat!”

He did not reply. Actually, he acted as if he did not see me. I felt so ignored. Why would someone I knew before just ignore me? Has it been so long that I people cannot recognize me? I kept walking confused hoping to come across a close friend. Shortly after, I saw dad walking towards me. It must be my lucky day! He will be so surprised to see me. I simply stood on his way.

“Dad!”

He walked past me. He looked so sad; did not even recognize me.

“Perhaps, he has a big bill to pay today. He looked worried.”

It wasn’t hard to catch another friend. I saw my best friend from high school walking in front of me. Yay! I could go for a drink now!

“Hey Harry! Harry!”

Street was crowded. He was a bit far. I should have run a bit to catch him.

“Harry, wait!” “It’s Eugene!” “Harry?”

I ran a bit more, and tapped him on his shoulder.

“Harry!”

He did not turn back, neither gave a reaction. Something was absolutely wrong. People looked like they didn’t hear me. So I decided to face him, so he could see me. There was no way he would not remember me. Harry has been my all times best friend. I ran a bit and stood in front of his way. I was yelling:

“Harry! What’s up buddy?”

He seemed like he did not hear me. Also, he didn't seem to be seeing me either. He had the same sad impression on his face, like my dad had. HE WALKED THROUGH ME!

I got so worried and annoyed. People were going overall same direction. I decided to follow them. They were going towards the city hall where most ceremonies, celebrations, or big events were held. I kept walking with them. People were generally sad, and they were talking about some important man’s death at a young age. Obviously, city hall was hosting a funeral this time. I couldn't figure out how he died, but it was obvious he was an important man, and many people sincerely loved him. The crowd told me enough. I learned he was in his thirties from the conversations around. About ten years older than me.

After I got in the hall, I climbed up the third floor. I could have a better scene from there and see who the close people are. Once I saw the coffin and people around it, they looked familiar to me. Oh, one of them was dad’s cousin. He lived where I studied the college. If he is here, the decedent must be someone important. Dad’s cousin (I called him uncle) was a retired high rank soldier, and he had become the general manager of a security training company after his retirement.  He was accepting condolences. I saw dad and mom right next to him. They looked catastrophic.  They were accepting condolences too.

I was curious who was dead. Why dad and mom are there too? So, I decided to walk down and talk to my parents. As I walked closer, I realized the decedent’s face was open for visitors. I decided to look at him to see who it was before I go to talk to my parents. As I walked closer the face looked familiar, but I was not able to figure out who he was. I heard my name being mentioned in the crowd a couple of times. I thought, maybe some people finally recognized me and talked about me. I kept walking towards the coffin. Once I reached there, I stood in front of the coffin and looked at the decedent.

“I think I know this guy. He looks so much like me!” “Hey, wait a minute! He cannot be me as I am here.”

Mom walked towards me. She looked like had had been crying for days. Just as she was hugging the coffin; I yelled:

“Mom!”

No response. I could not hear anything from anyone. I simply heard my mom crying my name and hugging the coffin.

“Hey mom! Stop crying! I am here; no worries it is not me. I am here!”

She did not hear me. I screamed at her, to make her hear me. She did not react. I climbed onto the coffin, and screamed against the crowd.

“I am here! I am alive! I am not dead! People I am here! Stop this comedy!”

No one seemed hear me. No one even attempt to stop me climbing onto the coffin. They did not hear me. That was the creepiest thing happening to me.

“Am I really dead?” “No, no, no! I cannot be. How would I be walking around like this? I need to get out of here. This cannot be real!”

I ran out of the hall. I started running down the street hysterically. Anyone I saw, I tried to slap on face. My hand was simply going through them. They were not even seeing me. I got so tired of running, I was out of breath. So I sat down on the pavement.

“I am dead.” “I don’t remember when and how; but I obviously I died.” “And now, I am walking down the street like a ghost; once they bury me I will be locked up.”

All of a sudden, I thought of going back to my bed. Maybe that could save me from death. I started running back. Beach City was too far. Yet, I simply had stepped into here. If I can find the house I was in here I could get there fast. Where was it? I started running back to the house. Every second felt like a year. I was not able to find the place. When I finally found the place I felt like it has been years since I stepped out. I rushed towards my room. I saw myself in my bed sleeping I lay down onto me and got into my body slowly. I let my eyes close slowly. Soon after, I was asleep. My mom walked towards me, I saw her giving me hug. She was smiling. She had a green blouse. I hugged her tightly; I did not let her move away. She said "I need to go." I felt tears rolling down my eyes.

The tears got so annoying, that I opened my eyes. I was in my bed. My eyes were wet. My arms were crossed on my chest so tight. My mom was not there. I was in Beach City in Uncle Sam’s house. I pinched myself. It hurt, I smiled. I got up and walked to kitchen to see if water would spill on floor when I drink it. I poured a glass of water and drank it. No water spilled.

I looked at the clock on the wall: 2.14am

I looked at the calendar next to my bed: August 8, 2008

I walked to Uncle Sam’s daughters’ room and knocked on door.

“Mary! Mary! Kelly! Fran!”

“Eugene, what’s the problem? Why are you yelling in the middle of the night?”

“Mary, do you see me?”

“Of course I do, Euge, are you okay?”

“Yes, sister. I am fine. Sorry for bothering you in the middle of the night.” “Have a good night! We will talk tomorrow”

Elvan Katmer

Inter-religious Faith

 Any belief around says that it is trying to make human life and after better. There have been different ways of beliefs for years to follow God, and/or train human being for the eternal HAPPINESS.

I am not writing this as a theology expert or a sociologist; instead I am just a person who is trying to question the reasons of existence. I would love to make a research on religions and their purposes. Perhaps, that would be a more reasonable reason for me to write an essay like this. Still, I am convinced that I can still have ideas about faith and would like to argue with people about the consequences.

First of all, we all know that there is not eternity in this world. Any living creature “including human being” dies one day. Some people believe that there is an eternal life after death; others do not accept the life after death and takes life as the living period from birth to death. The conflict starts from here. People who do not accept the life after death also denies existence of God and takes religions as a way of putting people in a pattern where they will not disturb others or will not come out of the lines that religions determine.

The idea of religion might have come out of an individual to make people believe in a faith so that people would develop a way of life where they would respect each other because of the fear of God. It may be taken some kind of law that is prepared by an unseen, unknown, but powerful creator. So, that people would believe in something they actually do not see, but accept as a power. Even if this is the situation, it is a good idea to make create a system for the time when religions actually originate.

It actually sounds more reasonable not to accept a religion when you take it as a way of creating a ruling system as explained in previous paragraph. On the other side, it is really hard not to accept existence of a super power that controls the whole universe we live in. We, as human being are such a tiny part of the universe really. We do not even know if there is an end in the space or, where else it might go up to.

Also, for me it is hard not to believe life after death. I have many reasons for that. People in different parts of the world have so different lives. There is nothing such as equality what so ever in this world. Some people are dying on some part of the world because of not being able to find food, while some others are living in luxury and spending so much for their sole happiness. If there is no equality in this world, I take the life after death one way of giving people chances for what they did not have while they were alive. Another thing might be the way we live our lives. Not everyone lives with a good moral of life. For some people crime is a lifestyle. If there is not a life after death, how these people are going to be equalized with people who did their best making sure they are fair, and trying to take care of other people’s rights or even helping those who are having worse life conditions. A person who kills animals just for money, or for fun cruelly, should not be in the same place after death with the one who was concerned about the lives of other beings; even if that place is simply disappearing underground.

Now that I have explained my own belief about believing or not believing life after death or existence of God, I can get to my actual point argument, religions and beliefs. I am not arguing existence of God with atheists in this essay. My argument is with religions that actually say the same thing but all stay separate from each other. There are religions that are believed to be sent by God such as Christianity, Judaism or Islam; and there are religions that were created by people somehow for the good of human being in the world such as Buddhism, Confucianism, Shamanism or such. All celestial religions have their own divine books that actually draw the red lines for their followers. And actually, they all aim to make people have a good faith in this world, follow ethical values and be a good person. They all call for a good life after death as long as people follow the rules of the religion and have a good faith. However, none of them gives any chance to the followers of another religion or those who doesn't follow anything but do their best to become a good person. My point is why? All religions believe in same God in term of definition of it. They all try to make us have a good morale. What is the point of sending people to hell only because they are not within the same religion with you? They believe in God, they share very similar values; they try to be a good person when it comes to being fair. So what is the point? Even the books have very similar information despite their sharp differences. To me all religious beliefs come for being aware of existence of God.

I was born and grown as Muslim; I have tried to follow as much as I could. I met so many people from different parts of the world with different beliefs of non-beliefs.  Many many of the people I have met are such nice and considerate people that I cannot stop thinking “Wait a minute; this person cannot go to hell in his/her afterlife because s/he is not Muslim.” Literally, I would prefer to be in the same place with them after I die, if we are going to have an eternal life. Same thing happens vice versa; according to their belief I might be going to hell forever because I do not believe the way they do. So, personally, I have a disagreement with religions on this aspect.

Because I feel so restricted about making decision in the name of the God, I simply prefer to believe interreligious. I promised myself, I will not bother myself going to a Mosque, Church, Synagogue, or any other place to find God. God is everywhere and I do not like discriminating against people because they believe in a different way or follow different faith. I respect every religion’s belief and I do not prefer to take it someone will go to hell because they do not believe like I do, or I will go to hell as I do not believe as someone else does.

Born, grown, being a Muslim, I announce that I am an inter-religious person, and I accept and respect any other belief within the concept of believing God. I prefer to be a human lover with whatever they believe, instead of being a hater simply because of their way of believing.

Elvan Katmer

April 4, 2013