Gift

Have you ever been given a gift? Don't lie, you have been!
What is a gift really? I received many gifts so far. Birthday, graduation, competition, blah blah blah..
What is your good gift for someone? How do you decide really? Or, what is a real good gift to you? Are you one of those who weighs the value of the gift with, how much "money" spent on it? Let's be honest; most gifts that makes people go crazy are the expensive ones. It is really frustrating, but that's how it is.
For me, if you want to give me a gift just show me how much you love me. Please do not spend money for a gift you want to get for me. Give me a gorgeous smile; give me a hug; make me know that you will be by my side when I need you; make me smile; be able to look through me-read my heart; draw a stupid picture for me; give me your love; when you look at me dont have a fake smile on your face-if you are feeling bad, tell me you are feeling bad; be yourself to me. Those are what would make me happy most. I will never forget a smiling face to me, a hug that will warm my heart, a look that will stun me.
Sometimes death is a gift for most. That's why you want to be dead when things are not going the way you want them. That's why the very first thing that comes to your mind is "I wish I could die now" when you feel devastated. That's why people commit suicide. Others think, s/he did a terrible thing to self. But no! S/he gave the gift that s/he wanted most but noone gave him/her to him/herself choosing the easiest, stopping to believe in what keeps him/her alive.
Why would you want to die? You lose something so precious that all other things you have look worthless. You keep working your entire life, but at some point you realize that you are not going get to where you want to be; you give up. Everything that you want to have are at such a distance that you lose your hopes of reaching them. Once you make yourself believe you are the loser, then you give yourself the gift that you need most at that point.
Why am I going to occupy this place I am in, if I am not going to convert my dreams into reality one day? Why am I going to stay alive if I am not going to receive the actual gifts I want from people? Why am I going to make myself believe in something that actually never exists, just to stay alive?
Gifts..
When you are giving gifts, just think about it; do you actually want to make that person happy, or are you just satisfying yourself.
Gifts..
My gifts are still same.. I am welcoming all your smiles, hugs, looks and friendships as always. When you give me something expensive, you actually make me feel bad as I feel like I get in debt.
My gift givers; dont stop giving me those that I want most. I want your love more than anything else.
When I dont receive this gift from those that I really want; then it is time to give myself a gift.
I still receive smiles, and send my love to the world.
Elvan

Like Crazy?

Do you really make plans in your life, for your future? Do you try to estimate what you will be doing, not long only a few years ahead?

I did! Yesterday, I sat down and tried to see what I am going to be into for the next couple of years. Curious what I found out? Honestly, not much. Yet, it doesn't mean I will not be doing anything; there are so many outcomes for later future as well. Most annoying part is “I cannot be sure about any of my later future.” It actually gets me excited as well, as it might turn out to be better than my expectation. So, uncertainty is not that bad!

It is so obvious that I will be working like crazy like I have been doing for the last couple of years. Oh really? I cannot stop myself from asking; why? My first reason for my work; a quote from my Uncle Hamit:

“In this world, the amount of the health, respect, life, and peace is equal to the amount of the money you have.”

Am I a workaholic because I want to save money and save money, and save money? Do you really think that’s what I am? Unfortunately you haven’t got to know me yet, if you really think that’s what I am. I have a lot more than that. I agree that, this is what it looks like when you look at my life as an outsider. Yet, no. My lifespan is based on more than that. I am aware of the fact that, working and making money and saving money is not my key that will take me to happiness. But, money is the key and/or the tool that will take me to where I can find happiness at this point.

My second reason is another quote from my grandma, whom I never met in this life:

                “WORK, even if you know what you are going to make is going to be your enemy’s.”

Yes, I am not a lazy ass person who sits down and wait for someone feed me or take care of me. I have never been one, and I am not planning to be one too. I work, I even overwork to make sure I will maintain my life. I will not wait for the job I want find me. If I am not able to get what I actually want to do, then I will continue to work for it as at some point it will be mine as long as I do work for it. I might be working something that has nothing to do what I want to do; yet, is it a better idea not to do anything? Come on now, you will not get anything waiting there for it not doing anything for it.

My own reason:

I need it, for the plans I have in my mind. When I think about the projects in my mind, they even scare me. I am not the type of person who will get into debt for what he wants to do. Debt has been my nightmare and daycare for my entire life. I have learned not to get into debt from my father. Is my father so good at managing money that he taught me that? Hell no! He is the worst; I learned what NOT to do from my dad when it comes to money. He is a best dad ever for a child, but I would not want to deal with money the way he does. He basically does not stop being in debt; it bugs him.

I do not need millions; I only need enough to make me feel comfortable. I know what to do after, once I am at that comfortable level. I am currently working on the first step of my first project which I am planning to start in about two years’ time. Time is so fast, but I need it in order to get fully ready for what I want to do. I am preparing a website now. I never did that before. My relationship with computer has been limited to my assignments I prepared on my PC, internet use and basic computer skills. Once I prepared the project in my mind I realized I need a lot more than what I do with my PC. Many thanks to my dearest friends Resul Ekrem, Ugur, Ilker and my super cousin Tolga; they have enlightened me about where to start from. Once I complete the web design part, I will still get their ideas about how to improve the rest. They are my computer geniuses.

When this projects starts, I will be pursuing my education. I will be back in school to get my PhD. I might even start my PhD earlier, but at this point it doesn't seem to be possible because of my financial limits. Going to school in US is not same as in home. It is expensive, and once you are in school your school load does not let you work as much as you need to pay for your school. My friends back in Turkey sometimes ask my “why don’t you continue your education?” Man, it is easier said than it is done. Being successful is not the key to be in school in here; you really need money to be on your side.

Maybe after I start my PhD, I might try to have more of a normal life. Right now, I do not see myself anywhere close to my ambitions, so most of my life is work.

At this point, I have such a good ambition that it might even take me a lot further than I think to go. Here is what I want to do; many of my friends back in Turkey might be laughing at me because it would be so much simpler if I tried to do it in Turkey:

“I want to be a professor at a highly scaled institution; I even know where I want to be, but I will not write it here as I do not want to make anyone think –Elvan has gone crazy.”

In order to be an academician, you have to be in school, you have to be a graduate student or more. In order to be a student, you will need the money. In order to have the money you have to work. Right now, I am working to get to the point where I can start my project which will give me the chance to have enough outcomes to be able to become a student. See? Because I want to become a professor I will probably become rich at some point, but it is not actually what I want.

Money is just a tool for me to get to my ambition. So, please, do not think I am going crazy, doing nothing but work, work, work. I am working because I have an ambition; I believe it is going to happen and it will make me happy. I do not have much space in my life for too much more than my work as long as I am still on my way to my ambitions.

If you are curious about what I found out when I tried to see where I am going to be in my short term future, keep reading me. You will see where I am, just as I found when I thought about it.

Stay well, love your world. Being a lover is always better than being a hater.

Disembodied

Years ago, I have felt myself being disembodied.

It was not painful; the only thing I felt was me being separated from my body. I got up from my sleep, sat on my bed, then stood and pushed myself up slowly; I turned back and looked at my bed, saw myself still laying down there. I was so light, and able to move slowly and steadily. I wasn’t able to move too fast if I wanted to, but could accelerate slowly if I tried. It felt like playing with a balloon at a birthday party. I liked it. I simply thought, “I am having such a nice dream in which I can travel.”

With the freedom provided by my lightweight I decided to take a walk. Stepping outside, I realized I felt out of the place.

“Oh no, that’s not where I was sleeping!”

I was supposed to be in the Beach City. That’s where I was working for the summer. But, all of a sudden I was in my hometown.

“Something is not right! Who cares, I am at home. I can go ahead and visit my parents.”

I had not been home for a long time. After starting college, I had a continuous work program year long. I was working as an interpreter and program coordinator when in school, and in summer break I was coming to Beach City to make some extra money and stand on my own feet. I never liked asking for help from my parents. Because of this tight schedule I was not able to go home for most of my holidays, while most of my friends were being excited to get a break and go home. So, that was a great time for a surprise visit to parents and brothers.

It was an early morning in Rise City. I was walking down the main street, and I completely forgot that I was walking in my dream. It looked weird to me, city was pretty awkward. All pavements were modernized, people looked more like European.

“Has it been so long that I haven’t been here? Why everything looks so different?”

When I arrived in the city center, I realized the bank where my dad used to send me for paying his small bills. This corner reminds me a lot of memories. My childhood has been around here.

“Oh, wait! Dad has a small store here, why not stop by?” “I have the keys; I can simply unlock and get the store ready for opening. It will be a nice surprise for daddy.”

That street felt like it would go forever. Somehow, I missed dad’s store. I couldn't find it. It feels so weird not to be able to find a place that you have almost grown up in. I should be able to find dad’s store if they left me in the middle of the city my eyes blinded. Somehow, it had turned into the hardest thing ever to do to find it.

I decided to take a tour around the city; I would probably see some people I know. We could sit and go for a drink somewhere. Rise City is a small place; people know each other even if they do not have close friendships. While walking back down the street I saw a friend of mine from high school.

“Hi Fernat!”

He did not reply. Actually, he acted as if he did not see me. I felt so ignored. Why would someone I knew before just ignore me? Has it been so long that I people cannot recognize me? I kept walking confused hoping to come across a close friend. Shortly after, I saw dad walking towards me. It must be my lucky day! He will be so surprised to see me. I simply stood on his way.

“Dad!”

He walked past me. He looked so sad; did not even recognize me.

“Perhaps, he has a big bill to pay today. He looked worried.”

It wasn’t hard to catch another friend. I saw my best friend from high school walking in front of me. Yay! I could go for a drink now!

“Hey Harry! Harry!”

Street was crowded. He was a bit far. I should have run a bit to catch him.

“Harry, wait!” “It’s Eugene!” “Harry?”

I ran a bit more, and tapped him on his shoulder.

“Harry!”

He did not turn back, neither gave a reaction. Something was absolutely wrong. People looked like they didn’t hear me. So I decided to face him, so he could see me. There was no way he would not remember me. Harry has been my all times best friend. I ran a bit and stood in front of his way. I was yelling:

“Harry! What’s up buddy?”

He seemed like he did not hear me. Also, he didn't seem to be seeing me either. He had the same sad impression on his face, like my dad had. HE WALKED THROUGH ME!

I got so worried and annoyed. People were going overall same direction. I decided to follow them. They were going towards the city hall where most ceremonies, celebrations, or big events were held. I kept walking with them. People were generally sad, and they were talking about some important man’s death at a young age. Obviously, city hall was hosting a funeral this time. I couldn't figure out how he died, but it was obvious he was an important man, and many people sincerely loved him. The crowd told me enough. I learned he was in his thirties from the conversations around. About ten years older than me.

After I got in the hall, I climbed up the third floor. I could have a better scene from there and see who the close people are. Once I saw the coffin and people around it, they looked familiar to me. Oh, one of them was dad’s cousin. He lived where I studied the college. If he is here, the decedent must be someone important. Dad’s cousin (I called him uncle) was a retired high rank soldier, and he had become the general manager of a security training company after his retirement.  He was accepting condolences. I saw dad and mom right next to him. They looked catastrophic.  They were accepting condolences too.

I was curious who was dead. Why dad and mom are there too? So, I decided to walk down and talk to my parents. As I walked closer, I realized the decedent’s face was open for visitors. I decided to look at him to see who it was before I go to talk to my parents. As I walked closer the face looked familiar, but I was not able to figure out who he was. I heard my name being mentioned in the crowd a couple of times. I thought, maybe some people finally recognized me and talked about me. I kept walking towards the coffin. Once I reached there, I stood in front of the coffin and looked at the decedent.

“I think I know this guy. He looks so much like me!” “Hey, wait a minute! He cannot be me as I am here.”

Mom walked towards me. She looked like had had been crying for days. Just as she was hugging the coffin; I yelled:

“Mom!”

No response. I could not hear anything from anyone. I simply heard my mom crying my name and hugging the coffin.

“Hey mom! Stop crying! I am here; no worries it is not me. I am here!”

She did not hear me. I screamed at her, to make her hear me. She did not react. I climbed onto the coffin, and screamed against the crowd.

“I am here! I am alive! I am not dead! People I am here! Stop this comedy!”

No one seemed hear me. No one even attempt to stop me climbing onto the coffin. They did not hear me. That was the creepiest thing happening to me.

“Am I really dead?” “No, no, no! I cannot be. How would I be walking around like this? I need to get out of here. This cannot be real!”

I ran out of the hall. I started running down the street hysterically. Anyone I saw, I tried to slap on face. My hand was simply going through them. They were not even seeing me. I got so tired of running, I was out of breath. So I sat down on the pavement.

“I am dead.” “I don’t remember when and how; but I obviously I died.” “And now, I am walking down the street like a ghost; once they bury me I will be locked up.”

All of a sudden, I thought of going back to my bed. Maybe that could save me from death. I started running back. Beach City was too far. Yet, I simply had stepped into here. If I can find the house I was in here I could get there fast. Where was it? I started running back to the house. Every second felt like a year. I was not able to find the place. When I finally found the place I felt like it has been years since I stepped out. I rushed towards my room. I saw myself in my bed sleeping I lay down onto me and got into my body slowly. I let my eyes close slowly. Soon after, I was asleep. My mom walked towards me, I saw her giving me hug. She was smiling. She had a green blouse. I hugged her tightly; I did not let her move away. She said "I need to go." I felt tears rolling down my eyes.

The tears got so annoying, that I opened my eyes. I was in my bed. My eyes were wet. My arms were crossed on my chest so tight. My mom was not there. I was in Beach City in Uncle Sam’s house. I pinched myself. It hurt, I smiled. I got up and walked to kitchen to see if water would spill on floor when I drink it. I poured a glass of water and drank it. No water spilled.

I looked at the clock on the wall: 2.14am

I looked at the calendar next to my bed: August 8, 2008

I walked to Uncle Sam’s daughters’ room and knocked on door.

“Mary! Mary! Kelly! Fran!”

“Eugene, what’s the problem? Why are you yelling in the middle of the night?”

“Mary, do you see me?”

“Of course I do, Euge, are you okay?”

“Yes, sister. I am fine. Sorry for bothering you in the middle of the night.” “Have a good night! We will talk tomorrow”

Elvan Katmer

Inter-religious Faith

 Any belief around says that it is trying to make human life and after better. There have been different ways of beliefs for years to follow God, and/or train human being for the eternal HAPPINESS.

I am not writing this as a theology expert or a sociologist; instead I am just a person who is trying to question the reasons of existence. I would love to make a research on religions and their purposes. Perhaps, that would be a more reasonable reason for me to write an essay like this. Still, I am convinced that I can still have ideas about faith and would like to argue with people about the consequences.

First of all, we all know that there is not eternity in this world. Any living creature “including human being” dies one day. Some people believe that there is an eternal life after death; others do not accept the life after death and takes life as the living period from birth to death. The conflict starts from here. People who do not accept the life after death also denies existence of God and takes religions as a way of putting people in a pattern where they will not disturb others or will not come out of the lines that religions determine.

The idea of religion might have come out of an individual to make people believe in a faith so that people would develop a way of life where they would respect each other because of the fear of God. It may be taken some kind of law that is prepared by an unseen, unknown, but powerful creator. So, that people would believe in something they actually do not see, but accept as a power. Even if this is the situation, it is a good idea to make create a system for the time when religions actually originate.

It actually sounds more reasonable not to accept a religion when you take it as a way of creating a ruling system as explained in previous paragraph. On the other side, it is really hard not to accept existence of a super power that controls the whole universe we live in. We, as human being are such a tiny part of the universe really. We do not even know if there is an end in the space or, where else it might go up to.

Also, for me it is hard not to believe life after death. I have many reasons for that. People in different parts of the world have so different lives. There is nothing such as equality what so ever in this world. Some people are dying on some part of the world because of not being able to find food, while some others are living in luxury and spending so much for their sole happiness. If there is no equality in this world, I take the life after death one way of giving people chances for what they did not have while they were alive. Another thing might be the way we live our lives. Not everyone lives with a good moral of life. For some people crime is a lifestyle. If there is not a life after death, how these people are going to be equalized with people who did their best making sure they are fair, and trying to take care of other people’s rights or even helping those who are having worse life conditions. A person who kills animals just for money, or for fun cruelly, should not be in the same place after death with the one who was concerned about the lives of other beings; even if that place is simply disappearing underground.

Now that I have explained my own belief about believing or not believing life after death or existence of God, I can get to my actual point argument, religions and beliefs. I am not arguing existence of God with atheists in this essay. My argument is with religions that actually say the same thing but all stay separate from each other. There are religions that are believed to be sent by God such as Christianity, Judaism or Islam; and there are religions that were created by people somehow for the good of human being in the world such as Buddhism, Confucianism, Shamanism or such. All celestial religions have their own divine books that actually draw the red lines for their followers. And actually, they all aim to make people have a good faith in this world, follow ethical values and be a good person. They all call for a good life after death as long as people follow the rules of the religion and have a good faith. However, none of them gives any chance to the followers of another religion or those who doesn't follow anything but do their best to become a good person. My point is why? All religions believe in same God in term of definition of it. They all try to make us have a good morale. What is the point of sending people to hell only because they are not within the same religion with you? They believe in God, they share very similar values; they try to be a good person when it comes to being fair. So what is the point? Even the books have very similar information despite their sharp differences. To me all religious beliefs come for being aware of existence of God.

I was born and grown as Muslim; I have tried to follow as much as I could. I met so many people from different parts of the world with different beliefs of non-beliefs.  Many many of the people I have met are such nice and considerate people that I cannot stop thinking “Wait a minute; this person cannot go to hell in his/her afterlife because s/he is not Muslim.” Literally, I would prefer to be in the same place with them after I die, if we are going to have an eternal life. Same thing happens vice versa; according to their belief I might be going to hell forever because I do not believe the way they do. So, personally, I have a disagreement with religions on this aspect.

Because I feel so restricted about making decision in the name of the God, I simply prefer to believe interreligious. I promised myself, I will not bother myself going to a Mosque, Church, Synagogue, or any other place to find God. God is everywhere and I do not like discriminating against people because they believe in a different way or follow different faith. I respect every religion’s belief and I do not prefer to take it someone will go to hell because they do not believe like I do, or I will go to hell as I do not believe as someone else does.

Born, grown, being a Muslim, I announce that I am an inter-religious person, and I accept and respect any other belief within the concept of believing God. I prefer to be a human lover with whatever they believe, instead of being a hater simply because of their way of believing.

Elvan Katmer

April 4, 2013

Rica Ediyorum, Dalga Geçin Benimle

Evet evet, sizden benle dalga geçmenizi istiyorum. Neden mi? Aşağıya bundan yaklaşık üç yıl önce, tam da üniversiteden mezun olmak üzere iken yazmış olduğum bir yazıyı ekleyecegim. Lütfen okuyun, ve yüzüme karşı benle dalga geçin.

Çok zaman geçti üzerinden. O gün bu gündür ne memleketimi ne ailemi ne  de yakın arkadaşlarımı yakından görebildim. Öylesine bir hayat kavgasına düştüm ki, o günkü kaygılarımı hatırlayamıyorum bile. Arzularım, isteklerim yerinde; çok azı gerçekleşti. Önümde öylesine yol var ki, buradan bakınca gökyüzünü kapatan bir dağ gibi yükseliyor gözümde. Hala sesim çocukca geliyor değil mi? Ne yapalım arkadaş, adam olamadım ben. Bir gün olabilirsem eğer, söylersiniz bana.

Şimdi, okuyup dalga geçme sırası. Lütfen okuyun ve dalganızı geçin. Müsait oldugum zamanda bu yazıya binaen, kendimle dalga geçeceğim. Lütfen alınacağımı düşünmeyin, kendime karşı sizden daha acımasız olacağım.

Afiyetle okuyunuz..

***************************************


Tarih: 31 Mart 2010

Bu aralar içimdeki karmaşanın kısa bi analizi...

Bu yıl ne çabuk geçti diye düşünmek yersiz midir sizce… Ya da bugün neden bu kadar çabuk geçti… Yok, hiçbir şeye yetişemiyoruz mu demek lazım yoksa olmayacak şeyleri mi zorluyoruz? Hiç birisi değil kardeşim; 22 sene geçti bu dünyanın bir tarafında bir şeyler yapmakla meşgulsün, bu soruyu sormak şimdi mi geldi aklına derler adama. 

Neden bu şekilde agresif bir giriş yaptım ben de anlamadım. Aslında sadece yazmak bir şeyler paylaşmak istedim. Yazının üst kısmını beğenmeyip vazgeçenler buraları okumayacak belki ama olsun. Ben güzel şeyler yazmak istiyorum, tabi yazmayı becerebilirsem. 

Sene başından mı başlasam yoksa okula başladığım zamanlardan mı… O ilk zamanlar geldiğimde ne kadar küçükmüşüm aslında ne kadar saf ne kadar temiz, hayattan nerdeyse haberi olmayan biri gibiymişim. Geldiğim zamanlar kendimi fazlaca saftan saymayan görmüş geçirmiş sayan bir tip olduğumu söyleyebilirim. Gezmişliğim var ya biraz 15 - 20 şehre gitmişim sportif aktivitelerle, okulda tanınan biriyim, gençlik haftasında il temsilcisi olmuşum, valisinden belediye başkanına, meclis başkanından başbakana cumhur başkanına kadar devlet erkanı ile çeşitli sebeplerle tanıştım aynı ortamı paylaşmışım. Bu tür şeylerin kazandırdığı şeyler biraz daha “ Ben adam oldum arkadaş…” dedirtiyordu insana tabi. Ankara’ya geldiğim ilk günlerde bu hava olanca edasıyla varlığını devam ettiriyordu hala. Zaman geçtikçe ne kadar büyük bir şeyin ne kadar küçük bir parçası olduğumu anlıyordum. 

Hep böyle olur zaten, zor gelir sana her şey, sana zor gelen şeyle işin bittiğinde bir dönüp bakarsın aslında ne kolaymış dersin kendi kendine; kendini büyüdüm sanırsın, yaşın ilerledikçe aslında ne kadar büyümediğini anlarsın; birine aşık olursun, bir zaman sonra içinden geçer gider o duygu, buna mı aşık olmuştum dersin; babanı saymazsın, baban geçer gider bu dünyadan, ah babam vah babam dersin… Her şeyi iş işten geçtikten sonra fark etmek nasıl bir sorundur, bende hep böyle oluyor; her şeye geriden yetişiyorum. 

Bu aralar yorgunum, canım da sıkkın; tatil bile yapmak istemiyorum. Çalışıyorum bir yandan, ama çok severek yaptığım bir işte değil. Çalışma dışındaki vaktimi okulda ve evde geçiriyorum. Bu sene kendime vakit ayırdım diyerek yaptığım neredeyse hiç bir şey yok. İş ile okul zaten her gün sabah 7.30 ile akşam 8 – 9 arasını bitirmiş oluyor. Eve gidiyorum, ders bile çalışmıyorum. Sadece boş boş internetteyim. KPSS’nin yüzüne bile bakmadım hiç, girmeyeceğim de zaten, gereksiz yere girmenin bir anlamı yok çalışmadan. Ha bir de neden girmedin sorusu var tabi ki. Bu sene beni çok sevindiren bir burs kazandım. Amerika’da yabancı dil asistanlığı bursu. Okul yerleştirmeleri belli olmaya başlamışken, bizim okuldaki hocalardan birinden, yerleştirmelerin kesin olmadığını öğrendim. O da geçtiğimiz yılarda bu bursu kazanmış, ama ona kabul yazısı gelmeyince iptal olmuş. Bu sene bir de bizim seçmelerimiz tamamlandığında 20 kişi seçilmişti, bunlardan ikisi iptal oldu, geriye 18 kişi kaldı, ki bu geçen sene bu bursla yerleştirilen bursiyer sayısı. Bu iptallerden sonra ikinci bir seçme yapıldı ve toplam aday sayısı 25 oldu. Sanırım şu ana kadar gideceği okul belli olanların sayısı 16 -17 civarında. Biz hala beklemedeyiz ve açıkçası endişeliyim. Yerleştirmesi yapılanlar bir yerde öğretmen, öğretim görevlisi, ya da yüksek lisansta öğrenci olanlar. Benim gibi lisans son sınıf öğrencilerinden yerleşen yok henüz. Sanırım biz yedek durumunda gibi bir şeyiz :S Sadece bekliyoruz. Bu program için bir çok şeyi erteledim ve iptal ettim hayatımda. Bu kabulün gelmemesi demek aslında bir yılı kaybetmem anlamına geliyor. KPSS ile ilgilenmedim, çünkü vaktim olmadığı kadar, gelecek yıl için planlanan program tarihlerinde Türkiye’de olmam mümkün görünmüyordu. Gelecek yıl dolu olacağı için benzer bir program olan Comenius Assistanceship programına da başvurmadım. Okul bitiyor, hali hazırda bir işim var ama önümüzdeki yıl bu işte yer almayı düşünmezken bir açmaza doğru ilerliyorum. Bu programın gerçekleşmemesi durumunda deneyebileceğim yollar da kısıtlı, sadece akademik yüksek lisansa girmeye çalışabilir ya da okutmanlık için başvurularda bulunabilirim. Açıkçası sıkıntılı bir dönemdeyim. B planım yok gibi bir şey. Evet, endişeliyim, insanın önünü görememesi çok zor bir şeymiş. Bun hissetmek ise insanı fazlasıyla yoran bir durum. Bir gün şu mailimi açtığımda beklediğim iletini mail kutumda olmasını istiyorum, o gün gelsin istiyorum, sevineyim istiyorum, bu kadar yazdığım sıkıntılarımı unutayım istiyorum, bu stresle geçen yılın sonunda kendime bolca vakit ayırabileceğimi bilmek, ruhsal olarak rahatlamak istiyorum. Sanırım olacaktır, bunu ister buna duacı olurken… Çalıştığım işte de her şey her zaman yolunda gitmiyor. Elimde olmayan sebeplerle ortaya çıkan bu durumlar da beni çok sıkıyor, stres yaşamama sebep oluyor. 

Tüm bunları okuyan acaba ne hisseder??? Hakikaten hala büyüyememişsin mi der…? 

Elvan Katmer

Tarih: Mayıs 2009 - O Hissi Yaşamalısın, Yoksa Bilemezsin

hep söylerdim, heyecanı severim diye. hayatta hep kaybetmekten korktuğumda, kazanacağımı hissettiğimde, hedefime yaklaştığımda içimde bir heyecan duydum. bunun dışında bir buz adam olduğum söylenebilir. heyecanlanmam, heyecanlanmayınca hayattan zevk almam ve genellikle olan da bu... zevksiz, hayatı çok da zevk almadan yaşayan bir insanım. bu şekilde yaşamayı sevdiğimi de söylemiyorum asla. biraz mecburiyetten...... neyse burası uzun mevzu. 

neyse ki beni en çok heyecanlandıarn ve bana zevk veren şeyi bulmuş gibiyim. her şeyin aşırısında olduğu gibi sporunda aşırı olanını bana korku ve heyacanı birlikte sunanını sevdim. uzun zamandır aklımda olan, ama çeşitli sebeplerle bugüne kadar yapamadığım bu işi yapınca şimdiye kadar yapamadığım için üzüldüm, ama daha da geç kalmamış olduğum için açıkçası çok sevindim. ha bi de neyden bahsediyorum değil mi? hahah ya tabi heyecandan onu da unuttum. kaya tırmanışı. şimdi neyse ki bu işleri nasıl yapacağım hakkında daha çok fikrim var. bu işi yapıcam, belki yalnız takılacam ama olsun; solo tırmanış diye bir şey var. ben de bunu yapıcam. önümde başka heyecanlar da var. kayak yapmayı, o hissi tatmayı çok istiyordum. onu yapan bi abiyle tanıştım bu kaya tırmanışı eğitiminde. çok kolaymış aslında. o kadar da pahalı değilmiş. sadece çok sık olursa sarsar. öğrenmesi mi? haha onu da o abimden rica ederim artık. seneye bi ara o giderken ben de ona takılırım. bir düşer iki düşerim ama onu da çözerim. hayattan zevk almanın yollarını bulmak lazım. ben bir yolunu bulmuşum. neden bırakayım ki.....? sonra paraşüt ve planör eğitimleri var. tabi bunlar için biraz daha zamana ihtiyaç var. zira o kadar da ucuz değil. ama bunları yapmanın da bir yolu var. onu da bulmuşum bırakır mıyım? bakıcaz artık, umarım umduklarıma ulaştığım bir hayatı yaşarım. 

olur mu bilmiyorum ama ben olacağına inanıyorum. inanmak istemek ve buna yönelik hareket etmek hedefe ulaşmanın ilk basamağıdır bana göre. kimileri yarısı olduğunu söyler ama o hikaye. nerde öyle, kara ver yarısını hallet; daha ne kadar ekmek yemen lazım o hedefe ulaşmak için.... her neyse ben ilk adımı attım umarım gerisi de gelir. ben öyle olacağına inanıyorum. bakalım, yaşayıp görücez. 

bi de tabi bunların yanına birisi de lazım. hep solo tırmanışla geçmez bu hayat........... 

:))

Elvan Katmer

To Language Teaching Professionals

Here I am posting a revised format of one of my scholarship application cover letters. I had applied for FLTA program provided by Fulbright, and I had been accepted. However, the program was cancelled and I was suggested to be given the scholarship the following year. Yet, I have been out of country since then and didn't have chance to apply for it again.

Please have a look at  the essay below, and tell me if it is a good essay to be used in different applications when revised or if it still reflects the idea of the first scholarship I had applied.

Your comments are welcomed, and if you think it can to be used 'partially' for your essays or for creating ideas, you are welcome to use.

Thank you!

Elvan Katmer

*******************************************************************************************************

 WHY DO I APPLY AND WHAT’S MY PLAN?

Teaching experience is one of the important criteria while choosing a teacher for an institute as well as the professional setting of the candidate. Although the professional attitude of a candidate affects the decision of the committee, experience is another important point. Generally, those who have both of those features equally become more successful. In this essay I will explain my experience with teaching together with my professional knowledge.

First of all I want to mention that I am not an inexperienced with working. I have been working on several fields related or unrelated to my professional career since my teens. Yet, I will explain only those which I can use during my teaching experience.

During my university education, I have taken part in different organizations either voluntarily or getting paid to gain experience. Besides these, I had some tutors for my young learner students. First, I started working as a freelance translator both written and oral form in my second year when I was in second class in the university. These translations helped me improve my verbal knowledge of English language as I was working on various texts from history to medicals. The oral consecutive translations helped me improve my spoken communication skills. I started oral translations voluntarily with LÖSEV in the “6th International Week for the Children with Leukemia” which is held in Ankara every year as well as I continued to be a volunteer in various activities for special days and weeks since then as long as I had access there. In this organization, my duties included consecutive translations for the international kids in various activities, helping native kids interact with their friends from other countries. I also used to have mini classroom activities with these kids.

I started volunteering for TGEV teaching in the project “Ateşböceği”. This project aimed to have extra classes for the students in government schools. I was working in a truck trailer with another volunteer and our classes consisted of teaching computer skills or English in accordance with students’ needs. This truck trailer consisted of two parts; one of which is used as computer class, while the other was named as drama class where we have so many devices such as video-player, art-craft activity materials, games etc. to teach English. I was the volunteer leader in this truck for activity planning and coordination; teaching English.
I had tutors for the last two years of my university education. I had lessons one-to-one for teaching English, lesson revisions, project preparations and exam preparing. My students were 8 or 9 year-old primary school students whose families requested me to help them revise the lessons they had in school. Most of the time, these lessons included vocabulary teaching, oral communication skills, and reading activities as well as lesson revisions. I used to prepare the lessons plans and activities in accordance with their course books.

I should also mention that throughout our education we had many microteaching activities, demos and presentations about each single technique for young-learners, adolescents in accordance with the needs of learners.

Lastly, I worked as an exchange programs coordinator for Uygar Tours Inc. for “Summer Work and Travel” program in the United States. My duties included interviewing recruited students to evaluate their English level and their eligibility for the program after required evaluation tests as well as reporting to both employers and the program organizations. I also coordinated the whole visa processing, flights, orientations and welcoming of students in the United States together with their housing. I am still in the United States for coordination of upcoming season program participants.

When it comes to language teaching methodology and what method I use, it is very challenging issue to select one specific method since there are a variety of methods and approaches for language teaching. Therefore the methodology has kept changing with the aim of creating better and more comprehensive techniques for language teaching. Methodology started with Grammar Translation Method and many other approaches came out such as Total Physical Response, Natural Approach, Suggestopedia, Audio-Lingual Method, Communicative Language Teaching, while Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences Theory also became a part of language teaching. Thus, it is a great challenge to select one method for teaching language as all of the approaches have a lot of positive sides as well as their negative sides. As a result, it is inevitable to create our own method considering the learners’ needs, which is called eclectic method.

I will use eclectic method; however, I need to explain what eclectic method is. First of all in order to use eclectic method, a teacher should be aware of all of the methods and up to date with innovations in this field, so that he can make use of the beneficial sides of each method according to the needs of learners. For example, I personally believe that language classes have to be a communicative atmosphere; learners should use the language they are learning; students should be creative so they might make mistakes. In addition, we should use our body language and gestures to in teaching words or patterns. We don’t have to teach all about grammar; it is important to teach use of language. We have to take into consideration how the students are learning – are they kinesthetic, visual, musical, interpersonal etc. – and prepare our lesson plan according to their learning styles as well. I also support content and language integrated learning or project based methods, and I believe that teaching a curricular subject through a medium of a language will improve students’ intercultural skills, while it is creating chance to use the L2 for the students.

All those above are ideas from different approaches. Although, one method is always seems to be innovative and more sophisticated, we can adapt other methods to support our teaching activities. In this way, we use a comprehensive style regarding all needs of our students. This is the method, I prefer to use in teaching language, eclectic method.

To sum up, teaching experience is a fruitful item for a teacher to use for his career, and promoting students’ learning. The professional knowledge of the teacher is another important aspect that will always support the experience he has while it is the only basis for a teacher who does not have teaching experience. A foreign language teacher has a great deal of opportunity to use either current methods or techniques or invent his own eclectic method if he is knowledgeable enough and imaginative enough in lesson designing to support his educational experience.

Perşembe

Bugün,

Aslında hiç bir şey değişmedi. Haftalardır devam eden depresif halim sanki kayboluyor gibi, yine de kendimi çok iyi hissetmiyorum. Yine de bir çözüm ya da çıkış yolu bulmuş gibiyim. Ölümle yaşam arasındakı bu incecik çizgiyi farkettiğim her gün aslında kendime geliyorum; daha sonra yine o his kayboluyor.

Sabah  Ahmet Hakan'ın ekranda 'Ermeniyim' demesi ile ilgili habere bakarken yanda başka bir habere ilişti gözüm. 'ÜNLÜ OYUNCU HAYATINI KAYBETTİ' Akasya Durağı'nın Şanziment'i ölmüş. Üzüldüm. Takip ettiğim bir dizide sevdiğim bir karakter idi. Her hafta Televizyon aracılığıyla evimizi ziyaret eden Şanziment Hanım, artık bu tarafta değil. Ne kadar çabuk değil mi? Bir haber, bir alt yazı, bir cenaze, biraz ağlama, biraz hüzün... Sonra, dizide de bir yerlere hüzün serpiştirilir; bu kadar... Bitti! Ondan sonrası artık bizden geçer.. Halbuki, aslında her gün yüzlerce insan hayatını kaybediyor, ebedi yuvasına dünüyor. Bizler de buradaki gecici hayatımızın sınırsız hırslarını zorlamaya devam ediyoruz, ta ki bize sıra gelene kadar.

Arkadaş, bugün 25 yaşımdayım; çok zorlasam en fazla 100 sene daha yaşarım. Köyde ikindi vakti çakal seslerinden korkup anneme koştugum günleri dün gibi hatırlıyorum. Ne ara geçti o kadar yıl? Hiç farkına bile varamadım. Onca sene geçti okulda, orda burda nereye gelmişim. 100 yaşıma gelsem bugünlerin ne ara geçip gittiğini farkedemeyeceğimden de eminim.

Peki, ne bu hırs, yaşama azmi bu hayat kavgası. Nasıl yaşarsak yaşayalım, ne kadar yaşarsak yaşayalım, ne yapmış olursak olalım, bir gün gelecek ver hepsi bitecek. O gün, o günden sonraki hayatımıza hazır olup olmamak olacak asıl mesele. İşin fena yanı, o günü düşünmeden hırsla geçirilen zamana yanmak için çok geç olacak.

Her neyse, gelelim bu güne.. bugünü aslında kendime milat edinip, şimdiye kadar hırs ile peşinden koşuşturduğum şeyleri bir kenara bırakıp, asıl yapmam gerekenlere vakit ayırmaya başlamam gerek.

O halde sorun bana: Yapabilecek misin?

Hayır, kendime çeki düzen vermem tek başıma olmayacak gibi..

Elvan Katmer

first time on a blog

Oh yea,

Soon I am on a blog. this place means a place to write other than my notebook, to write using a keyboard instead of a pen/pencil.

I am not really accustomed to write or read this way; I love to have paper, pen and my coffee and smell of that paper. Yet, in today's world, I would be doing this one day.. I hate seeing this screen in front of me instead of my notebook, honestly..


Anyways, I hope I can get used to here, and keep writing what ever I wanted to.. Only I have read the things I have written before, except for my academical essays and related papers.

Wish me good luck!

Piece
Elvan