Bu adam benim babam

Terzi Cemal Usta, 1954 yılında Şaban ve Kamile Katmer’in 6. çocuğu olarak dünyaya geldi. İlkokulu evine yaklaşık 8km uzaklıktaki yürüyerek gidip geldiği Camidağı İlköğretim okulunda tamamlayan Cemal, ilkoulu bitirdikten sonra başka şansı olmadığından hayat mektebine başladı. Hayat mektebi Şaban Dayı’nın hayat derslerinden oluşmakta ve tarım hayvancılık marangozluk gibi konuları içermekteydi . 17 yaşına gelene kadar bu mektebe devam eden Cemal, bu yaşa geldiğinde artık icazet alması gerektiğini düşünmüş olmalı ki, bir meslek sahibi olmak üzere Süleyman abisinin de yardımıyla şehiır merkezine iş bulmaya gelmiş, o hevesle bulduğu ilk işlerden biri olan terziliğe Terzi Murat Hutoğlu’nun yanında çıraklık yaparak başlamıştır. Ne var ki, terzilik küçük yaşta öğrenilen bir meslek ve Cemal 17 yaşındadır. Akranları aynı işyerinde kalfa usta konumunda iken o çıraklık yapmaktadır. Bu ona her ne kadar zor gelse de, azminden hiç bir şey kaybetmeden bu mesleği öğrenmeye devam etmiştir. Heralde o azimden olsa gerek,diğer kalfalar tarafından bir kaç haftaya işi bırakacağı düşünülen Cemal, koca dağı her gün yürüyerek aşıp gelirken kendince ‘Ben ne kadar çok uğraşsam da bu kalfalar kadar iyi bir ceketçi, pantoloncu, gömlekçi olamam; ama her işten biraz öğrenebilirsem tüm bu kalfaları çalıştıran bir usta olabilirim.’ şeklinde düşünmekteydi. Nitekim, Cemal işi bırakmamış askere gidiıp geldikten kısa bir süre sonra ustasından dükkanı devralıp ‘Cemal Usta’ ünvanını almıştır. Mesleğe geç başladığı gibi Cemal Usta, hayata da (o zamanın şartlarına göre) biraz geç başlamıştır. 30’una merdiven dayamışken 1982 yılında Ahmet ve Ayşe Karadağ’ın Kızı Yaşar ile dünya evine girmiş, yeni kurulan bu aileye daha sonra Muhammet Emre, Elvan ve Abdurrahman katılmıştır. Cemal Usta, bundan sonraki hayatını ailesine çocuklarına ve kardeşlerine adamıştır. İğnenin ucundan kazandığını çocuklarının eğitimine ve ailesinin refahına harcayan Cemal Usta bir anlamda geçmişte kendine verilmeyen şansı çocuklarına sonuna kadar vermiştir. Bugün artık çocuklar eğitimini tamamlamış, hayata nerden başlasak diye düşünmeye devam ederken Cemal Usta her Atatürk Caddesi’ndeki mekanında o harikulade elbiseleri dikmeye devam etmekte, bir çok yeni terziye fikirler verip bildiklerini öğretmektedir. Cemal Usta, Rize’de Usta diye anılacak terzilerden biri olarak hala çalışmaya devam ederken o güzel elbiselerinden birini diktirme şansınız hala var demektir.

6 Mart 2012 Elvan Katmer

Anonymous

Sometimes, my heart gets filled with grudge; with sorrow and anger. I feel the taste of my anger on my tongue. A feeling of suspicion falls onto my heart, like dirt on white! At that moment, I open up all the books, photos, notes and memories that reminds you, to remember who I am. Remembering is a secret prayer for me.

I was just a lifeless decoration on your cold walls, before her light hit me. I was only a dusty violin foreign to its sound, before she hit my chords with her string. I would become a lifeless decoration if she built walls again.

I see vineyards, orchards, trees in her hands. I see waters as broad as oceans, as lucid as oceans. I see my paradise in her hands. I take my rests under the trees in her hands. You cannot see any of these.
I know who I am; yet does she know that she is my sunlight? If she doesn't, let her not know.

I am a piece of spark twirling around the fire. I am a unicorn whose wings melts as it flies towards sun; and whose heart get frozen if starts to fall down. I am me. Her twirling spark, her slave, her fellow.. We found each other on a road we started from different locations towards different destinations; and lost each other on battle fields. We passed not cities, roads, seasons; but our lives.

I turn around and look at the past, everyting has past. What's left is only love; I keep reminding myself again and again. I do it because, I want to make sure I will be saying her name when death hits me in my last seconds of life.

Muhtesem Yuzyil | The Magnificent Century

Healthcare vs. Immigrant Cure

I do not like politics; I don’t like being in it, I don’t like talking about it I don’t like people in it. Yet, this time I am so tempted, and feeling like forced to talk about it. If you have a look at my previous blogs, there are no words for politics; it is all some stories and random fairy tales.

There are two things that are occupying the US media’s agenda: Affordable healthcare act and immigration reform. For most people neither of them worth a word. People take their sides already and keep following what their leader says “it is true”. Those two issues are not really closely related to each other; yet, I am concerned with both as an immigrant who was never been offered healthcare benefits.

What is the new healthcare system bringing to people actually. Main purpose is to have everyone get health insurance. Starting with the new year everyone have to have health insurance by law. Otherwise, you will be getting a penalty. So actually, law says, you don’t have option not to buy insurance. Reason is: Any time an uninsured person is hospitalized, and they cannot afford to pay bills; the bills are paid from other tax-payers pocket, which is a lie as this people bills are not cancelled somehow. They have to go to court defend themselves for not being able to pay the bill and find programs to help them pay it. Those programs are government supported – taxpayers’ money – programs and aims to help people who are having financial troubles.

Overall, this affordable care is actually some innovation for US people. People here do not have any idea how bad the health care system is in the US compared to EU. Employers have no responsibility over taking act on their employees insurance. Even after the new system starts it will not be even close to the systems in EU. I am from a different country, which is not a part of EU, but takes provisions of EU and makes regulations per EU standards. The healthcare system has been much better than here even before any of the standards of EU started to become provision. Just an example: Having and employee in  Turkey not being insured by its employer, is same as having an undocumented immigrant working for you in US, with similar consequences for employer side. Employee has no responsibility on his / her insurance plan payments; it is completely employer responsibility and it includes retirement plan. So, the new healthcare act, aka Obamacare is something Americans will actually like in long term. It is a government plan, in which government will take action where people do not have enough income to pay for their insurance needs, supporting the premiums. However, it is still not fair to make it mandatory to have insurance. People should have some options in a country where such things are not really cheap. I have a problem with the reason behind its being mandatory – If someone is hospitalized and cannot pay the bill, it is paid from other tax payers’ pocket.

I am not a US citizen; I am a “legal immigrant” whose application is still (!) in progress. And at the time of the application, you see an item in one of the papers you sign – Intending immigrant cannot apply for any government benefits, support etc. until the process is completed. I already DO NOT WANT TO have any support from government. I prefer to work, make my own money and living support my family. But, while something is being legal another thing is becoming illegal with another law. Is there a way out? NO! Because, all immigrants are technically 2^nd class people here. Please, people do not get offended; no matter how much respect I receive from many people that I know through my job or my social life; I still do not feel like just like anyone else. Somehow, people make you feel like you are not from here, and you need to stay in your own shell. You do not feel safe against government, unless you have a lawyer who will be talking for you. Government will not step back from abusing you till you spend money on a lawyer. Yes, this makes me clearly feel like, the amount of the justice you will get is equal to amount of the money you have, same as it is for health: the amount of health care you will get is about the amount of money you have, same as education: the quality of the school you are going is related to amount of the money your parents have as much as your brightness. There is no equality of opportunities in this country, just like many other countries. Difference is, here it is so obvious that there is no way you cannot feel it.

There have been rumors about the undocumented immigrants for a while now. Believe it or not, this country needs these people. Even though it is not formally said, I do not see many American citizen over the age of 30 - 35 doing landscaping, working at restaurants, being a bouncer, etc. Everyone is running after their career somehow, and those businesses are being run by people who use people unmercifully. There is so much benefits of having illegal immigrants for both employers and government. For the employers, they have people who most of the time cannot say no to their unfair working conditions because of their status. And they provide a good deal of workforce for the cheapest price they can get. For government, having those people here, there is no need to think about how to have work done, in which citizens have no interest. Have some illegal do it and leave it alone. If they complain, deport them; a fair way of slavery. No matter how much government is losing on unpaid taxes from their income; government is making a lot from having them do so much work.

When I was reading this I laughed. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/26/us/obama-calls-for-quick-action-on-immigration-and-so-does-a-heckler.html?_r=0 Mr. President mentioned in his reply that, people who work here undocumented are fearful of deportation and this affects their performance! If they are legal and don’t have to think about deportation they can help economy more working more efficiently. Really???? I can accept all other explanations but not this! Do you really not have any idea how those people are working their ass off? And you expect them work harder after giving them legal status? Where is being humanitarian?? Are these people not human beings in your eyes? Why would you accept someone sit around and feed them with food stamps,  help them with unemployment support, and provide cheap housing for them WHILE EXPECTING THOSE HARD WORKING PEOPLE WORK HARDER because they are given a chance!? They will be working hard no matter what you expect them to do; they are not used to be lazy anyways. But, how about some reform about educating people on being as productive as they can be? We are talking about almost 12 million people. No-one can ignore the workforce here. Somehow, those people have to be legalized.  But those, who want to keep them as cheap labor, who do not want them go to school and get better jobs, who have lost their humanity, will continue to resist against the reform.

I have so many friends who are born here. I am not writing all those to be offensive against anyone. I am just trying to make you get out of your shell and look around, the world is not as small as you think it to be. http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/its-thanksgiving-so-we-asked-some-brits-to-label-the-us-stat

I feel like I am hearing some radicals asking, “hey dude, if you don’t like so many things here, why are you trying to live here?” “go home!”

Those people will not change, just ignore them. I am a world citizen.

I Saw You

Someone told me that she caught me talking to air as if there was someone in front of me. I don’t believe this is true. It is true that I do not have many friends. It is true that I even named the sofa, table, fridge, pillow in the bed; but that does not necessarily mean I am talking to air. Every day, when I step in the house I say hi to Gokhan; any time I sit on the sofa I talk to my friend Reilly. Every night before I go to bed, I say good night to Rivka. I see them, I talk to them, and they talk to me. Sometimes I see them talking to other people speaking in a different language; I don’t understand what they say, but when I ask them they translate for me. I am glad I have all these friends around me. The only thing I don’t like is when I cook for them, or make a drink for them, they eat or drink with me; but in the mornings I see their plates and glasses full. It makes me sad. And I don’t know how come they go to their work before me. I am such and early bird, but I never see them in the mornings.

I don’t believe in ghost stories. I believe that people who dies still walks around us, but we don’t recognize them. They don’t attempt to bother us. They live in their world with us. When we die we can also see them; how I know, at some point I got close to dying too. At the point I saw them, and they talked to me. It was so crowded that I could hardly walk around them. A lot many more than our world. Somehow, no one is bothering each other there. They never fight; it looks like they do not have feelings. But it is cute, I met so many people there, whom I never saw in my life where we cannot see them. It is also so funny that you can make fun of this world’s people while they cannot see you. I hear this world's people talking about some metaphysical world. Maybe that is where I was at, at that point.

I saw Rivka yesterday in a in my work place, there was some party. She did not want to talk to me. She told the crowd “Hi guys, I love you all.” I ignored because she did not want to talk to me at first. Why would she not? We always had talked at home. Felt weird. Later she said, “I love him too.” pointing at me. “But he doesn’t like me anymore.” I don’t know how she ended up thinking this way; I don’t understand why she thought so. Weird. I turned my face to her, she smiled then. But then she called me with my brother’s name. C’mon now, you know me for a long time! You cannot be confused about my name, you don’t even know my brother in person.

Anyways, I left the party early; went home. None had arrived yet, I fell asleep. Then I am at work again, after waking up. Well, at least Reilly is swimming laps here at work. I can talk to her after. Maybe we go to movies after work. 

OLKAN (English)

I had a friend named Olkan when I was in middle school. We shared the same desk for about two years. I was thinking, what is Olkan, what kind of a name is this; I never heard it before. He was not local to the area. I was thinking maybe in their neighborhood there are different names unlike ours. As our friendship progressed, I found out that his name was intended to be Volkan, but the registrar officer for his birth certificate omitted the “V” in his name and he happened to have his name as Olkan. I also did not have a friend named Volkan till then either’ it was hard to call him Volkan after all those times I called him Olkan. I asked him “Would you want me call you Volkan?”. He said “no, even my dad calls me Olkan now.” I was happy, he would continue to be Olkan, I didn’t have to make a change.

We had a nice friendship throughout the middle school. He taught me a lot, and I did same to him. When compared to me, he was more of a mischievous kind of a child. His lessons were not very good either. He used to teach me slang language; Olkan is the one who made me get used to cursing when I was a child. We used to study curse word pronunciation when we had break at school; I used to have so much hard time pronouncing curse words, I was not used to saying them. I started with very basic level, like “shoot, crap, bad man” even these were hard for me to say. Through the time I got used to it to a point that I was starting my each sentence “f.cking …..” when I was at the school. When I get to home I was becoming this calm and obedient Elvan. I did not curse even once outside the school somehow.

I have always been a good student in primary, secondary, middle school; even in high school. It was in such a way that a certificate of appreciation at the end of the semester was shame for me, I should have got merit certificate each time. Sometimes, I used to help Olkan study. I wasn’t a very smart student but I think I was above average. I never studied throughout my school life. If I put together all my study time together till I started college, all can equal to the time I studied for university entrance exam – if we actually call that “studying”. But anyways, while Olkan was teaching me “the real life” I was trying to explain him that he could be like me too. I don’t really know what it means “to be like me” really, cuz I was not really doing anything to be me. But, just like I needed to practice curse pronunciation in order to talk like him; he needed to struggle to get good grades or become an obedient boy. Throughout time we both changed. One day, I was climbing down the fire exit in school and I fell. I cursed immediately; when I lifted my head I saw my favorite teacher in the school. I wish I had not lifted my head. I wanted to curl up and die because of how ashamed I was. He did not say anything; he would never expect me to say anything close to this. He held my hand and helped me stand up. I walked to my class embarrassed. I couldn’t talk to anyone. Olkan asked me after the class: “What’s wrong with you? You are not talking at all.” I said, “I will not talk to you anymore, I have turned foul-mouthed kid because of you!” He said, “you have turned into a f.cking swearer; you cuss more than I do! But, you cannot stop talking to me because of that.” We made a deal: Neither of us would curse anymore; if we did our friendship would be over. I think that was one of the best things that our friendship gave him. Welcome to non-abusive world.

I think it was the second or last year in the middle school, end of the first semester. We had a new principal. For the first time in my life I was getting the highest grades in Math, 5 out of 5. We had a new Math teacher, Nilufer Kanburoglu. She hated her name being misspelled or pronounced incorrectly. That was the first thing she had thought us in the first lesson. Even now, I am paying full attention into writing her name correctly, feeling like she will come out of nowhere and yell at me.  Anyways, it was the end of the semester and our teacher was handing out report cards. She handed merits, then appreciation certificates first; she did not call my name. I was thinking something is wrong, my eyes were teary. I pulled my courage together, and asked my teacher: “Don’t I have a certificate?” in the middle of my sentence I tears roll down my cheeks. My teacher also looked surprised; how come I didn’t have a certificate. She looked at my report card and turned to me: “But you failed math sweetheart.” I can’t hold it anymore, I started crying loud. “How come!?” Teacher handed out the reports while trying to consult me. And I am trying to explain how I did good in the exams. She first tried to avoid dealing with it, thinking I might be wrong. Then she took me to the principal’s office. I explained that I got high grades on Math it is not possible for me to fail it. He laughed at me and said: “Sure it is like that.” Obviously he thought I was lying. As I kept insisting on it, he called our math teacher. She did not remember my grade but she was sure that I did not fail. The principal asked for permission to open her cabinet to check it in her notebook. After she approved they opened it and they brought in the notebook. They checked it, it turned out that I was telling the truth. An administrative mistake; they have entered numbers incorrectly while registering grades in central system. My school number was 1267, Olkan’s number was 1276. In the class list and in the teachers notebook, we were listed consecutively. So, they confused my math grade with Olkan, gave him my grade, his to me. Principal told me that they could not print a new report and a merit certificate immediately, but they would give me one sometime in second semester. (I still did not get it.) I was insisting that I could not show those reports to my family, they would be disappointed. He hand wrote my grade over and  initialed it, and said they would believe me. I was angry; thinking “they would not believe; this is exactly what Olkan does every semester before going home!” So I asked him, if you could call my dad and explain him what happened. He said “no.”

I told my dad what happened with tears in my eyes. He said, don’t worry buddy, such thing sometimes happens. (I translated this to Olkan’s talk in my mind: Sh.t happens.) Come and help me with this. The worst report card day passed like this.

Winter break was over and we were back at the school. We were talking with Olkan.

“How was your winter break?”

“It was fine.”

“You know what happened? I failed math, but somehow our teacher graded me with 5 and I passed. My parents were so happy.”

I smiled, did not say anything. Someone’s sorrow could be someone else’s happiness sometimes.

We don’t even have a photo with Olkan.. Oh well, at the time people did not carry their cameras in their pockets..

OLKAN

Olkan diye bir arkadaşım vardı orta okuldayken. Sıra arkadaşımdı, yanlış değilsem iki yıl aynı sırayı paylaştık. Olkan da neymiş nasıl bir isimdir diye düşünürdüm; duymamıştım daha önce. Çocuk bizim oralı değildi. Önceleri belki, de onların yörede böyle bir isim vardır diye düşünmüştüm. Arkadaşlık ileriedikçe öğrendim; meğer nüfus memuru kaydını yaparken ‘V’ harfini yazmayı unutmuş, herifin adı Olkan diye kalmış. O zamana kadar Volkan diye bir arkadaşım da olmamıştı, söylemesi zor geldi onca zaman Olkan diye çağırdıktan sonra. Sordum, ‘Seni bundan sonra Volkan diye çağırayım mı?’ diye. ‘Yok’ dedi; ‘babam bile Olkan diye çağırıyor.’ Sevinmiştim, Olkan yine Olkan olarak kalacaktı.

Güzel bir arkadaşlığımız oldu orta okul boyunca. O bana çok şey öğretti; ben de ona.. O bana göre daha bi fırlama, o dönem itibarı ile dersleri iyi olmayan bir arkadaştı.  Bana sokak dili öğretirdi, ağzımı küfretmeye alıştıran adamdır Olkan. Tenefüs aralarında küfür telaffuzu çalışırdık mesela; o kadar zorlanırdım, o kadar alışkın değildim küfürlü konuşmamaya. Fıkradaki Zeki Müren gibi ‘al sana pis düşman’ diyerek başladım o bile zor gelmişti. Zamanla geliştirdim tabi kendimi; okulda her cümlenin sonuna ekliyordum bir amk. Eve gelince sus pus tabi, uysal ağırbaşlı Elvan oluveriyordum. Her nasılsa bir kere bile ağzımdan kaçırmadım küfrü okul dışında. İlkokul ortaokul ve hatta lisede dersleri iyi olan bir öğrenci oldum hep. Öyle ki, teşekkür belgesi bir utanç sebebi idi benim için. Her dönem sonunda verilen takdir olmalı idi bana. Olkan’a ders çalıştırırdım bazen. Çok zeki değildim ama,  ortalamanın üstünde bir öğrenci idim sanırsam. Okul hayatım boyunca oturup ders çalışmışlığım yoktur benim. Sanırım hepsini toplasak, liseden sonraki bir yıllık arada sınava hazırlık için yaptığım çalışmaya (ona da hazırlanmak denirse tabi) denk gelir tüm okul hayatımın ders çalışma saatleri. Nihayetinde, Olkan bana biraz gerçek hayat öğretirken ben ona ben de ona benim gibi olabileceğini anlatmaya çalışırdım. Benim gibi olmak da neyse artık, çünkü ben ben olmak için çaba sarfetmiyordum. Ama aynen benim küfürlü konuşmak için alıştırmaya ihtiyacım olduğu gibi onun da iyi notlar almak, uslu çocuk olmak için alıştırmaya ihtiyacı vardı. Zamanla, ikimiz de değişiyorduk. Günün birinde acil çıkış merdivenlerinden inerken ayağım kaydı düştüm. Hemen yapıştırdım küfürü; kafamı kaldırdım başımın ucunda en sevdiğim öğretmenlerimden biri. Keşke kafamı kaldırmayayadım, yerin dibine girdim. Girsem gam yemezdim desem daha da doğru olur belki de. Hiçbir şey söylemedi, benden beklenmezdi tabi öyle bir laf. Elimden tuttu, yerden kaldırdı. Başımı öne eğip sınıfıma yürüdüm. Utancımdan kimse ile konuşamadım, o dersten sonra Olkan bana sordu. ‘Oğlum neyin var la? Hiç konuşmuyon amk.’ ‘Senle artık konuşmucam, senin yüzünden küfürbaz oldum.’ dedim. ‘Amk, sen de çok küfürbaz oldun; benden çok küfrediyon.’ dedi. Ama olmaz, niye benle konuşmuyorsun diye tutturdu. Bir anlaşma yaptık. İkimiz de küfretmeyecektik ondan sonra. Sanırım, arkadaşlığımızın ona kattığı güzel şeylerden biri de bu olsa gerek. Küfürsüz tribünlere hoş geldiniz.

Orta ikinin ikinci ya da son sınıfın ilk döneminin sonu olsa gerek. Müdürümüz yeni değişmiş. İlk defa Matematik dersinden üç sınavda da 5 alarak (notlarım da 85, 85, 85) 5 alıyorum. Yeni Matematik öğretmenimiz var, Nilüfer Kanburoğlu. İsminin yanlış söylenmesinden ya da yazılmasından nefret eder. İlk derste ilk öğrettiği şey, ismi konusundaki hassasiyeti. Şimdi bile yanlış yazmamak için azami gayret gösterdim, bir yerden çıkıp kızacakmış gibi geliyor. Karne dağıtılıyor; sınıf öğretmenimiz (ismini şimdi hatırlayamadım) önce belgeleri dağıtıyor. Takdirler bitti, ismim yok; teşekkürler bitti, ismim yok. Bir terslik var diyorum, yaşlar gözlerimin kenarına gelmiş. Cesaretimi toplayıp öğretmene soruyorum: ‘Benim belgem yok mu?’. Cümlemin orta yerinde boğazım düğümleniyor, gözümden yaş düşüyor. Öğretmenim de şaşırıyor, nasıl olmuş da belge almamışım ben. Karneme bakıyor, ‘ama yavrum matematikten zayıf almışsın’. Kendimi daha fazla tutamıyorum, ağlamaya başlamışım. Öğretmenim bana teselli vermeye çalışırken karneleri dağıtıyor. Sonrasında ben de derdimi anlatmaya çalışıyorum. Öğretmen de bell ki bir an önce tatiline çıkmak istiyor olacak ki geçiştirmeye çalışıyor. Müdüre gidiyoruz; anlatıyorum, ‘karnemde zayıf var ama ben 5 almıştım’ o da önce ‘tabi tabi öyledir’ deyip gülüyor. Beni ailesinden kaçmaya çalışan çocuklardan sanıyorlar belli ki. Israrlarım üzerine Nilüfer öğretmeni arıyorlar. Öğretmen de notumu tam olarak hatırlamıyor ama zayıf almadıgımdan emin.  Müdür öğretmenin dolabını açmak için izin istiyor, ve sonrasında not defteri geliyor. Bakıyorlar, doğru söylüyormuşum. Müdüriyet hatası; notları yanlış girmişler sisteme. Benim okul numaram 1267, Olkan ise 1276. Yoklama sırasında ve öğretmenin not defterinde alt alta isimlerimiz. Benim notumu ona onunkini bana yazmişlar. Müdür hemen karne ve takdir belgesi basamayacaklarını söylüyor. İkinci dönem bi ara karne ve Takdir belgeni vereceğiz diyorlar. (Hala almadım) Bense ‘ama ben bu karneyi nasıl gösteririm aileme’ diyorum. Karne almadan gitmem diyorum. Neden sonra, müdür karneme imzasını atarak notu elle değiştiriyor. Kızıyorum tabi. ‘Buna kim inanır; Olkan bunu her dönem kendi yapıyor eve gitmeden önce!’. Babamı arayıp telefonla söylemesini istiyorum. O da sağolsun(!) olmaz diyor.

Babama ağlayarak anlattım olanları. Olur böyle şeyler yavrum dedi. Başımı sıvazlayıp hadi gel bana yardım et dedi. Hayatımın en berbat karne gününü böylece atlatmış oldum.

Tatil bitti, okula döndük. Olkan’la muhabbet ediyoruz.

‘Nasıldı la tatilin?’

‘İyi İşte..’

‘Ne oldu biliyor musun? Ben matematikten zayıf aldım, öğretmen 5 vermiş. Bizimkiler çok sevindi.’

Gülümsedim, bir şey söylemedim. Kiminin üzüntüsü kiminin sevinci oluyormuş.

Olkan’la bi fotografımız bile yok ya la.. Eskiden herkes cebinde makine ile dolaşmıyordu tabi..

Sen ve Ben

Sen ve Ben

Mutsuz bir insanım ben. Etrafımdaki onca insana rağmen yalnız bir insanım ben. Huysuz bir insanım ben. Etrafıma dağıttığım onca gülümsemeye rağmen kendine huysuz bir insanım ben. Umutsuz bir insanım ben. Hayallerim ufkumun ötesinde olsa bile, yarını düşünemeyen, bugünü yaşayamayan, dünü hiç unutmayan bir insanım ben.

Uyku uyuyamam ben. Genelde uykunun karanlığına gömerim kendimi yorgunlaştırarak. Uykusuzum ben; gözüm kapalı da olsa açık da olsa aklım uyumaz benim, düşünür gereksiz gerekli her şeyi. Geceleri dinlenmem ben, aksine gözlerim açık, aklım sende olur benim. Dışardan bakınca yirmibeş, içerden bakınca elli yaşındayım ben.

Unutkanımdır ben. Çok unuturum, bazen konuşurken neyi konuştugumu da unuturum. Bazen ne yapmakta olduğumu unuturum; benim kim olduğumu unuttuğum zaman da olmuştur benim. Kimliğimi unuttum ben. Sahi kimim ki ben? Kim ki benim ailem, kimleri severim ben, kim için ölürüm ben? Ölür müyüm ki ben? Öldüm mü ki ben; yaşıyor muyum ben?

Dertliyimdir ben. Kimine göre her şeyim var benim; kimi zengin bile sanar beni. Yok ki benim hiç bir şeyim; kimsem yok ki benim, kimsesizim ben. Ben kimse miyim? Ben hiç kimseyim; onun da dediği gibi; hiç kimse gibi olmayanım ben. İçim üzgündür benim; tasa ile doludur yüregim. Yaşlıdır gözlerim, içime akar taneleri her daim.

Hastayım ben. Bedenim hasta, ruhum hasta, kalbim hasta. Vardır bir bildigi çökmeye karar vermişse bedenim. Aklımın vardır bir bildigi; belki benim gibi gezgindir ama bensiz gezmeyi daha cok seviyordur. Kalbim var benim; yorgun zorla atıyor tık tık tık. Durma kalbim; çalışmaya devam, pompalamaya devam et o bitmeyen aşkı; ta ki aklım beni kaybedene kadar; ruhum bedenimden bıkana kadar; bedenim senden kopana kadar..

It is my birthday!

I turned 26 today. I completed 1/5 of the life expectancy I plan on.  It has been a sweet day thanks to all these people who makes me feel special, who spoiled me all day. Thank you all for your considerate actions; that's why I love working at where I work.

I am at a place that I have not even imagined I would have been when i was a kid; not even when I was a teenager. I am a foreigner, I am a world citizen, I am a human; I am at the place where I want to be, not exactly, but close.

It is the third birthday I am away from home. I am at home, but not in the one I was born. I am happy, but I left so much behind me. I haven't left anything behind fellas. I am not away from home; I am at where I want to be.

I would like to thank you all for all your messages, mails, presents, and all your nice wishes. This world could be so horrible not having people who cares. I felt so special, so spoiled today. I did not feel alone at all today; I knew I had friends. Ya'll are so lovely, friendly, affectionate and sweet..

LuvYaAll..

Special thanks to Pam, Kathy, Jana, Tim, Nobue, Mama Dyann!

Away

There are so many things to do in my list:

-Write several books 

   + Death Scenarios
   + Live Story 

   + Lost Man

   + :) yes ✔
      (There is some more but I do not want you take it as I am a daydreamer.)

-Start Graduate Study, Complete MA - Phd. Become a professor. 

      (I have more in mind, but I will cut it off here)

-Start some business.

      (That one is pretty much ready, yet needs more time)

I have many ambitions; those are only a few of them. I do believe I will be reaching what I want to be eventually. Hopefully it will be completed at a time, that the main character will not be too late for his own life.

LIVE

Josh had to make a tough decision when he was offered this job offer. Despite the advantages of the offer, ha had so many obstacles to overcome. He might have not be coming back to homeland for a long time. He would be away from his family, friends, schools and maybe his career for a while. He was almost making a decision; then he decided to make a call.

      "Hello?"

      "Dad!"

      "Oh! Hey How are you son?"

      "I am fine dad. Look, I have a question for you, and actually I need an advice."

      "Sure son! Go for it. I would be happy if I could help."

      "Dad, I got some job offer, and if I accept it, I will be making pretty good money, but I will not be home for a while, and I will have some restrictions about travelling. If you needed me, I wouldn't be able to come. Would you accept that kind of an offer?"

      "...hmmm.. That's tough son. It is hard to tell. But, if you want to know what I remember right now, here it is. When I was at your age, I had a choice to make, like yours. That time, I did not go for it. When I think about it now, I don't regret not going, but I feel like I wish I did go for it. Does that make enough sense?"

      "Yes dad! I will think about it some more and let you know my decision. Thank you so much! Say hi to mom please!"

He sat down. It felt like the whole world was falling onto him. 

A few days later he made a call.

      "Aviance international Inc. Nancy Speaking, how can I help you?"

      "Hi! This is Josh! May I talk to Mr. McMillan?"

      "Sure, stay on the line please!"

      

      "Josh?"

      "Hi Mr. McMillan! I have made a decision."

      "I am excited to hear."

      "I am accepting your offer. When do we sign the contracts and I start getting ready for the trip."

      "Congratulations young man! Stop by tomorrow at the headquarters office; my assistant will meet you there. You will go for an orientation for three days. You will be signing the contracts and getting ready after that.  

      "Okay, makes sense. See you tomorrow!"

      " Have a good day!"

He felt a relief going through his body. He was smiling, making a decision after all took all the stress off of him. He wouldn't need to worry about not getting a job for at least five years now. He was also having some feeling that he would learn to be "buyers remorse" later on in his adventure. 

(...)

...It has been almost over six years. It was such a great feeling to be home visiting. Visiting, because he decided to stay at his second homeland now. His hands shaking, he hit the button next to the door. ring ringgg.. They waited a while when they heard the door knob move. 

It was a moment of silence followed by screams.

      "Josh!!"

      "Mom!"

Gift

Have you ever been given a gift? Don't lie, you have been!
What is a gift really? I received many gifts so far. Birthday, graduation, competition, blah blah blah..
What is your good gift for someone? How do you decide really? Or, what is a real good gift to you? Are you one of those who weighs the value of the gift with, how much "money" spent on it? Let's be honest; most gifts that makes people go crazy are the expensive ones. It is really frustrating, but that's how it is.
For me, if you want to give me a gift just show me how much you love me. Please do not spend money for a gift you want to get for me. Give me a gorgeous smile; give me a hug; make me know that you will be by my side when I need you; make me smile; be able to look through me-read my heart; draw a stupid picture for me; give me your love; when you look at me dont have a fake smile on your face-if you are feeling bad, tell me you are feeling bad; be yourself to me. Those are what would make me happy most. I will never forget a smiling face to me, a hug that will warm my heart, a look that will stun me.
Sometimes death is a gift for most. That's why you want to be dead when things are not going the way you want them. That's why the very first thing that comes to your mind is "I wish I could die now" when you feel devastated. That's why people commit suicide. Others think, s/he did a terrible thing to self. But no! S/he gave the gift that s/he wanted most but noone gave him/her to him/herself choosing the easiest, stopping to believe in what keeps him/her alive.
Why would you want to die? You lose something so precious that all other things you have look worthless. You keep working your entire life, but at some point you realize that you are not going get to where you want to be; you give up. Everything that you want to have are at such a distance that you lose your hopes of reaching them. Once you make yourself believe you are the loser, then you give yourself the gift that you need most at that point.
Why am I going to occupy this place I am in, if I am not going to convert my dreams into reality one day? Why am I going to stay alive if I am not going to receive the actual gifts I want from people? Why am I going to make myself believe in something that actually never exists, just to stay alive?
Gifts..
When you are giving gifts, just think about it; do you actually want to make that person happy, or are you just satisfying yourself.
Gifts..
My gifts are still same.. I am welcoming all your smiles, hugs, looks and friendships as always. When you give me something expensive, you actually make me feel bad as I feel like I get in debt.
My gift givers; dont stop giving me those that I want most. I want your love more than anything else.
When I dont receive this gift from those that I really want; then it is time to give myself a gift.
I still receive smiles, and send my love to the world.
Elvan

Like Crazy?

Do you really make plans in your life, for your future? Do you try to estimate what you will be doing, not long only a few years ahead?

I did! Yesterday, I sat down and tried to see what I am going to be into for the next couple of years. Curious what I found out? Honestly, not much. Yet, it doesn't mean I will not be doing anything; there are so many outcomes for later future as well. Most annoying part is “I cannot be sure about any of my later future.” It actually gets me excited as well, as it might turn out to be better than my expectation. So, uncertainty is not that bad!

It is so obvious that I will be working like crazy like I have been doing for the last couple of years. Oh really? I cannot stop myself from asking; why? My first reason for my work; a quote from my Uncle Hamit:

“In this world, the amount of the health, respect, life, and peace is equal to the amount of the money you have.”

Am I a workaholic because I want to save money and save money, and save money? Do you really think that’s what I am? Unfortunately you haven’t got to know me yet, if you really think that’s what I am. I have a lot more than that. I agree that, this is what it looks like when you look at my life as an outsider. Yet, no. My lifespan is based on more than that. I am aware of the fact that, working and making money and saving money is not my key that will take me to happiness. But, money is the key and/or the tool that will take me to where I can find happiness at this point.

My second reason is another quote from my grandma, whom I never met in this life:

                “WORK, even if you know what you are going to make is going to be your enemy’s.”

Yes, I am not a lazy ass person who sits down and wait for someone feed me or take care of me. I have never been one, and I am not planning to be one too. I work, I even overwork to make sure I will maintain my life. I will not wait for the job I want find me. If I am not able to get what I actually want to do, then I will continue to work for it as at some point it will be mine as long as I do work for it. I might be working something that has nothing to do what I want to do; yet, is it a better idea not to do anything? Come on now, you will not get anything waiting there for it not doing anything for it.

My own reason:

I need it, for the plans I have in my mind. When I think about the projects in my mind, they even scare me. I am not the type of person who will get into debt for what he wants to do. Debt has been my nightmare and daycare for my entire life. I have learned not to get into debt from my father. Is my father so good at managing money that he taught me that? Hell no! He is the worst; I learned what NOT to do from my dad when it comes to money. He is a best dad ever for a child, but I would not want to deal with money the way he does. He basically does not stop being in debt; it bugs him.

I do not need millions; I only need enough to make me feel comfortable. I know what to do after, once I am at that comfortable level. I am currently working on the first step of my first project which I am planning to start in about two years’ time. Time is so fast, but I need it in order to get fully ready for what I want to do. I am preparing a website now. I never did that before. My relationship with computer has been limited to my assignments I prepared on my PC, internet use and basic computer skills. Once I prepared the project in my mind I realized I need a lot more than what I do with my PC. Many thanks to my dearest friends Resul Ekrem, Ugur, Ilker and my super cousin Tolga; they have enlightened me about where to start from. Once I complete the web design part, I will still get their ideas about how to improve the rest. They are my computer geniuses.

When this projects starts, I will be pursuing my education. I will be back in school to get my PhD. I might even start my PhD earlier, but at this point it doesn't seem to be possible because of my financial limits. Going to school in US is not same as in home. It is expensive, and once you are in school your school load does not let you work as much as you need to pay for your school. My friends back in Turkey sometimes ask my “why don’t you continue your education?” Man, it is easier said than it is done. Being successful is not the key to be in school in here; you really need money to be on your side.

Maybe after I start my PhD, I might try to have more of a normal life. Right now, I do not see myself anywhere close to my ambitions, so most of my life is work.

At this point, I have such a good ambition that it might even take me a lot further than I think to go. Here is what I want to do; many of my friends back in Turkey might be laughing at me because it would be so much simpler if I tried to do it in Turkey:

“I want to be a professor at a highly scaled institution; I even know where I want to be, but I will not write it here as I do not want to make anyone think –Elvan has gone crazy.”

In order to be an academician, you have to be in school, you have to be a graduate student or more. In order to be a student, you will need the money. In order to have the money you have to work. Right now, I am working to get to the point where I can start my project which will give me the chance to have enough outcomes to be able to become a student. See? Because I want to become a professor I will probably become rich at some point, but it is not actually what I want.

Money is just a tool for me to get to my ambition. So, please, do not think I am going crazy, doing nothing but work, work, work. I am working because I have an ambition; I believe it is going to happen and it will make me happy. I do not have much space in my life for too much more than my work as long as I am still on my way to my ambitions.

If you are curious about what I found out when I tried to see where I am going to be in my short term future, keep reading me. You will see where I am, just as I found when I thought about it.

Stay well, love your world. Being a lover is always better than being a hater.

Disembodied

Years ago, I have felt myself being disembodied.

It was not painful; the only thing I felt was me being separated from my body. I got up from my sleep, sat on my bed, then stood and pushed myself up slowly; I turned back and looked at my bed, saw myself still laying down there. I was so light, and able to move slowly and steadily. I wasn’t able to move too fast if I wanted to, but could accelerate slowly if I tried. It felt like playing with a balloon at a birthday party. I liked it. I simply thought, “I am having such a nice dream in which I can travel.”

With the freedom provided by my lightweight I decided to take a walk. Stepping outside, I realized I felt out of the place.

“Oh no, that’s not where I was sleeping!”

I was supposed to be in the Beach City. That’s where I was working for the summer. But, all of a sudden I was in my hometown.

“Something is not right! Who cares, I am at home. I can go ahead and visit my parents.”

I had not been home for a long time. After starting college, I had a continuous work program year long. I was working as an interpreter and program coordinator when in school, and in summer break I was coming to Beach City to make some extra money and stand on my own feet. I never liked asking for help from my parents. Because of this tight schedule I was not able to go home for most of my holidays, while most of my friends were being excited to get a break and go home. So, that was a great time for a surprise visit to parents and brothers.

It was an early morning in Rise City. I was walking down the main street, and I completely forgot that I was walking in my dream. It looked weird to me, city was pretty awkward. All pavements were modernized, people looked more like European.

“Has it been so long that I haven’t been here? Why everything looks so different?”

When I arrived in the city center, I realized the bank where my dad used to send me for paying his small bills. This corner reminds me a lot of memories. My childhood has been around here.

“Oh, wait! Dad has a small store here, why not stop by?” “I have the keys; I can simply unlock and get the store ready for opening. It will be a nice surprise for daddy.”

That street felt like it would go forever. Somehow, I missed dad’s store. I couldn't find it. It feels so weird not to be able to find a place that you have almost grown up in. I should be able to find dad’s store if they left me in the middle of the city my eyes blinded. Somehow, it had turned into the hardest thing ever to do to find it.

I decided to take a tour around the city; I would probably see some people I know. We could sit and go for a drink somewhere. Rise City is a small place; people know each other even if they do not have close friendships. While walking back down the street I saw a friend of mine from high school.

“Hi Fernat!”

He did not reply. Actually, he acted as if he did not see me. I felt so ignored. Why would someone I knew before just ignore me? Has it been so long that I people cannot recognize me? I kept walking confused hoping to come across a close friend. Shortly after, I saw dad walking towards me. It must be my lucky day! He will be so surprised to see me. I simply stood on his way.

“Dad!”

He walked past me. He looked so sad; did not even recognize me.

“Perhaps, he has a big bill to pay today. He looked worried.”

It wasn’t hard to catch another friend. I saw my best friend from high school walking in front of me. Yay! I could go for a drink now!

“Hey Harry! Harry!”

Street was crowded. He was a bit far. I should have run a bit to catch him.

“Harry, wait!” “It’s Eugene!” “Harry?”

I ran a bit more, and tapped him on his shoulder.

“Harry!”

He did not turn back, neither gave a reaction. Something was absolutely wrong. People looked like they didn’t hear me. So I decided to face him, so he could see me. There was no way he would not remember me. Harry has been my all times best friend. I ran a bit and stood in front of his way. I was yelling:

“Harry! What’s up buddy?”

He seemed like he did not hear me. Also, he didn't seem to be seeing me either. He had the same sad impression on his face, like my dad had. HE WALKED THROUGH ME!

I got so worried and annoyed. People were going overall same direction. I decided to follow them. They were going towards the city hall where most ceremonies, celebrations, or big events were held. I kept walking with them. People were generally sad, and they were talking about some important man’s death at a young age. Obviously, city hall was hosting a funeral this time. I couldn't figure out how he died, but it was obvious he was an important man, and many people sincerely loved him. The crowd told me enough. I learned he was in his thirties from the conversations around. About ten years older than me.

After I got in the hall, I climbed up the third floor. I could have a better scene from there and see who the close people are. Once I saw the coffin and people around it, they looked familiar to me. Oh, one of them was dad’s cousin. He lived where I studied the college. If he is here, the decedent must be someone important. Dad’s cousin (I called him uncle) was a retired high rank soldier, and he had become the general manager of a security training company after his retirement.  He was accepting condolences. I saw dad and mom right next to him. They looked catastrophic.  They were accepting condolences too.

I was curious who was dead. Why dad and mom are there too? So, I decided to walk down and talk to my parents. As I walked closer, I realized the decedent’s face was open for visitors. I decided to look at him to see who it was before I go to talk to my parents. As I walked closer the face looked familiar, but I was not able to figure out who he was. I heard my name being mentioned in the crowd a couple of times. I thought, maybe some people finally recognized me and talked about me. I kept walking towards the coffin. Once I reached there, I stood in front of the coffin and looked at the decedent.

“I think I know this guy. He looks so much like me!” “Hey, wait a minute! He cannot be me as I am here.”

Mom walked towards me. She looked like had had been crying for days. Just as she was hugging the coffin; I yelled:

“Mom!”

No response. I could not hear anything from anyone. I simply heard my mom crying my name and hugging the coffin.

“Hey mom! Stop crying! I am here; no worries it is not me. I am here!”

She did not hear me. I screamed at her, to make her hear me. She did not react. I climbed onto the coffin, and screamed against the crowd.

“I am here! I am alive! I am not dead! People I am here! Stop this comedy!”

No one seemed hear me. No one even attempt to stop me climbing onto the coffin. They did not hear me. That was the creepiest thing happening to me.

“Am I really dead?” “No, no, no! I cannot be. How would I be walking around like this? I need to get out of here. This cannot be real!”

I ran out of the hall. I started running down the street hysterically. Anyone I saw, I tried to slap on face. My hand was simply going through them. They were not even seeing me. I got so tired of running, I was out of breath. So I sat down on the pavement.

“I am dead.” “I don’t remember when and how; but I obviously I died.” “And now, I am walking down the street like a ghost; once they bury me I will be locked up.”

All of a sudden, I thought of going back to my bed. Maybe that could save me from death. I started running back. Beach City was too far. Yet, I simply had stepped into here. If I can find the house I was in here I could get there fast. Where was it? I started running back to the house. Every second felt like a year. I was not able to find the place. When I finally found the place I felt like it has been years since I stepped out. I rushed towards my room. I saw myself in my bed sleeping I lay down onto me and got into my body slowly. I let my eyes close slowly. Soon after, I was asleep. My mom walked towards me, I saw her giving me hug. She was smiling. She had a green blouse. I hugged her tightly; I did not let her move away. She said "I need to go." I felt tears rolling down my eyes.

The tears got so annoying, that I opened my eyes. I was in my bed. My eyes were wet. My arms were crossed on my chest so tight. My mom was not there. I was in Beach City in Uncle Sam’s house. I pinched myself. It hurt, I smiled. I got up and walked to kitchen to see if water would spill on floor when I drink it. I poured a glass of water and drank it. No water spilled.

I looked at the clock on the wall: 2.14am

I looked at the calendar next to my bed: August 8, 2008

I walked to Uncle Sam’s daughters’ room and knocked on door.

“Mary! Mary! Kelly! Fran!”

“Eugene, what’s the problem? Why are you yelling in the middle of the night?”

“Mary, do you see me?”

“Of course I do, Euge, are you okay?”

“Yes, sister. I am fine. Sorry for bothering you in the middle of the night.” “Have a good night! We will talk tomorrow”

Elvan Katmer

Inter-religious Faith

 Any belief around says that it is trying to make human life and after better. There have been different ways of beliefs for years to follow God, and/or train human being for the eternal HAPPINESS.

I am not writing this as a theology expert or a sociologist; instead I am just a person who is trying to question the reasons of existence. I would love to make a research on religions and their purposes. Perhaps, that would be a more reasonable reason for me to write an essay like this. Still, I am convinced that I can still have ideas about faith and would like to argue with people about the consequences.

First of all, we all know that there is not eternity in this world. Any living creature “including human being” dies one day. Some people believe that there is an eternal life after death; others do not accept the life after death and takes life as the living period from birth to death. The conflict starts from here. People who do not accept the life after death also denies existence of God and takes religions as a way of putting people in a pattern where they will not disturb others or will not come out of the lines that religions determine.

The idea of religion might have come out of an individual to make people believe in a faith so that people would develop a way of life where they would respect each other because of the fear of God. It may be taken some kind of law that is prepared by an unseen, unknown, but powerful creator. So, that people would believe in something they actually do not see, but accept as a power. Even if this is the situation, it is a good idea to make create a system for the time when religions actually originate.

It actually sounds more reasonable not to accept a religion when you take it as a way of creating a ruling system as explained in previous paragraph. On the other side, it is really hard not to accept existence of a super power that controls the whole universe we live in. We, as human being are such a tiny part of the universe really. We do not even know if there is an end in the space or, where else it might go up to.

Also, for me it is hard not to believe life after death. I have many reasons for that. People in different parts of the world have so different lives. There is nothing such as equality what so ever in this world. Some people are dying on some part of the world because of not being able to find food, while some others are living in luxury and spending so much for their sole happiness. If there is no equality in this world, I take the life after death one way of giving people chances for what they did not have while they were alive. Another thing might be the way we live our lives. Not everyone lives with a good moral of life. For some people crime is a lifestyle. If there is not a life after death, how these people are going to be equalized with people who did their best making sure they are fair, and trying to take care of other people’s rights or even helping those who are having worse life conditions. A person who kills animals just for money, or for fun cruelly, should not be in the same place after death with the one who was concerned about the lives of other beings; even if that place is simply disappearing underground.

Now that I have explained my own belief about believing or not believing life after death or existence of God, I can get to my actual point argument, religions and beliefs. I am not arguing existence of God with atheists in this essay. My argument is with religions that actually say the same thing but all stay separate from each other. There are religions that are believed to be sent by God such as Christianity, Judaism or Islam; and there are religions that were created by people somehow for the good of human being in the world such as Buddhism, Confucianism, Shamanism or such. All celestial religions have their own divine books that actually draw the red lines for their followers. And actually, they all aim to make people have a good faith in this world, follow ethical values and be a good person. They all call for a good life after death as long as people follow the rules of the religion and have a good faith. However, none of them gives any chance to the followers of another religion or those who doesn't follow anything but do their best to become a good person. My point is why? All religions believe in same God in term of definition of it. They all try to make us have a good morale. What is the point of sending people to hell only because they are not within the same religion with you? They believe in God, they share very similar values; they try to be a good person when it comes to being fair. So what is the point? Even the books have very similar information despite their sharp differences. To me all religious beliefs come for being aware of existence of God.

I was born and grown as Muslim; I have tried to follow as much as I could. I met so many people from different parts of the world with different beliefs of non-beliefs.  Many many of the people I have met are such nice and considerate people that I cannot stop thinking “Wait a minute; this person cannot go to hell in his/her afterlife because s/he is not Muslim.” Literally, I would prefer to be in the same place with them after I die, if we are going to have an eternal life. Same thing happens vice versa; according to their belief I might be going to hell forever because I do not believe the way they do. So, personally, I have a disagreement with religions on this aspect.

Because I feel so restricted about making decision in the name of the God, I simply prefer to believe interreligious. I promised myself, I will not bother myself going to a Mosque, Church, Synagogue, or any other place to find God. God is everywhere and I do not like discriminating against people because they believe in a different way or follow different faith. I respect every religion’s belief and I do not prefer to take it someone will go to hell because they do not believe like I do, or I will go to hell as I do not believe as someone else does.

Born, grown, being a Muslim, I announce that I am an inter-religious person, and I accept and respect any other belief within the concept of believing God. I prefer to be a human lover with whatever they believe, instead of being a hater simply because of their way of believing.

Elvan Katmer

April 4, 2013

Rica Ediyorum, Dalga Geçin Benimle

Evet evet, sizden benle dalga geçmenizi istiyorum. Neden mi? Aşağıya bundan yaklaşık üç yıl önce, tam da üniversiteden mezun olmak üzere iken yazmış olduğum bir yazıyı ekleyecegim. Lütfen okuyun, ve yüzüme karşı benle dalga geçin.

Çok zaman geçti üzerinden. O gün bu gündür ne memleketimi ne ailemi ne  de yakın arkadaşlarımı yakından görebildim. Öylesine bir hayat kavgasına düştüm ki, o günkü kaygılarımı hatırlayamıyorum bile. Arzularım, isteklerim yerinde; çok azı gerçekleşti. Önümde öylesine yol var ki, buradan bakınca gökyüzünü kapatan bir dağ gibi yükseliyor gözümde. Hala sesim çocukca geliyor değil mi? Ne yapalım arkadaş, adam olamadım ben. Bir gün olabilirsem eğer, söylersiniz bana.

Şimdi, okuyup dalga geçme sırası. Lütfen okuyun ve dalganızı geçin. Müsait oldugum zamanda bu yazıya binaen, kendimle dalga geçeceğim. Lütfen alınacağımı düşünmeyin, kendime karşı sizden daha acımasız olacağım.

Afiyetle okuyunuz..

***************************************


Tarih: 31 Mart 2010

Bu aralar içimdeki karmaşanın kısa bi analizi...

Bu yıl ne çabuk geçti diye düşünmek yersiz midir sizce… Ya da bugün neden bu kadar çabuk geçti… Yok, hiçbir şeye yetişemiyoruz mu demek lazım yoksa olmayacak şeyleri mi zorluyoruz? Hiç birisi değil kardeşim; 22 sene geçti bu dünyanın bir tarafında bir şeyler yapmakla meşgulsün, bu soruyu sormak şimdi mi geldi aklına derler adama. 

Neden bu şekilde agresif bir giriş yaptım ben de anlamadım. Aslında sadece yazmak bir şeyler paylaşmak istedim. Yazının üst kısmını beğenmeyip vazgeçenler buraları okumayacak belki ama olsun. Ben güzel şeyler yazmak istiyorum, tabi yazmayı becerebilirsem. 

Sene başından mı başlasam yoksa okula başladığım zamanlardan mı… O ilk zamanlar geldiğimde ne kadar küçükmüşüm aslında ne kadar saf ne kadar temiz, hayattan nerdeyse haberi olmayan biri gibiymişim. Geldiğim zamanlar kendimi fazlaca saftan saymayan görmüş geçirmiş sayan bir tip olduğumu söyleyebilirim. Gezmişliğim var ya biraz 15 - 20 şehre gitmişim sportif aktivitelerle, okulda tanınan biriyim, gençlik haftasında il temsilcisi olmuşum, valisinden belediye başkanına, meclis başkanından başbakana cumhur başkanına kadar devlet erkanı ile çeşitli sebeplerle tanıştım aynı ortamı paylaşmışım. Bu tür şeylerin kazandırdığı şeyler biraz daha “ Ben adam oldum arkadaş…” dedirtiyordu insana tabi. Ankara’ya geldiğim ilk günlerde bu hava olanca edasıyla varlığını devam ettiriyordu hala. Zaman geçtikçe ne kadar büyük bir şeyin ne kadar küçük bir parçası olduğumu anlıyordum. 

Hep böyle olur zaten, zor gelir sana her şey, sana zor gelen şeyle işin bittiğinde bir dönüp bakarsın aslında ne kolaymış dersin kendi kendine; kendini büyüdüm sanırsın, yaşın ilerledikçe aslında ne kadar büyümediğini anlarsın; birine aşık olursun, bir zaman sonra içinden geçer gider o duygu, buna mı aşık olmuştum dersin; babanı saymazsın, baban geçer gider bu dünyadan, ah babam vah babam dersin… Her şeyi iş işten geçtikten sonra fark etmek nasıl bir sorundur, bende hep böyle oluyor; her şeye geriden yetişiyorum. 

Bu aralar yorgunum, canım da sıkkın; tatil bile yapmak istemiyorum. Çalışıyorum bir yandan, ama çok severek yaptığım bir işte değil. Çalışma dışındaki vaktimi okulda ve evde geçiriyorum. Bu sene kendime vakit ayırdım diyerek yaptığım neredeyse hiç bir şey yok. İş ile okul zaten her gün sabah 7.30 ile akşam 8 – 9 arasını bitirmiş oluyor. Eve gidiyorum, ders bile çalışmıyorum. Sadece boş boş internetteyim. KPSS’nin yüzüne bile bakmadım hiç, girmeyeceğim de zaten, gereksiz yere girmenin bir anlamı yok çalışmadan. Ha bir de neden girmedin sorusu var tabi ki. Bu sene beni çok sevindiren bir burs kazandım. Amerika’da yabancı dil asistanlığı bursu. Okul yerleştirmeleri belli olmaya başlamışken, bizim okuldaki hocalardan birinden, yerleştirmelerin kesin olmadığını öğrendim. O da geçtiğimiz yılarda bu bursu kazanmış, ama ona kabul yazısı gelmeyince iptal olmuş. Bu sene bir de bizim seçmelerimiz tamamlandığında 20 kişi seçilmişti, bunlardan ikisi iptal oldu, geriye 18 kişi kaldı, ki bu geçen sene bu bursla yerleştirilen bursiyer sayısı. Bu iptallerden sonra ikinci bir seçme yapıldı ve toplam aday sayısı 25 oldu. Sanırım şu ana kadar gideceği okul belli olanların sayısı 16 -17 civarında. Biz hala beklemedeyiz ve açıkçası endişeliyim. Yerleştirmesi yapılanlar bir yerde öğretmen, öğretim görevlisi, ya da yüksek lisansta öğrenci olanlar. Benim gibi lisans son sınıf öğrencilerinden yerleşen yok henüz. Sanırım biz yedek durumunda gibi bir şeyiz :S Sadece bekliyoruz. Bu program için bir çok şeyi erteledim ve iptal ettim hayatımda. Bu kabulün gelmemesi demek aslında bir yılı kaybetmem anlamına geliyor. KPSS ile ilgilenmedim, çünkü vaktim olmadığı kadar, gelecek yıl için planlanan program tarihlerinde Türkiye’de olmam mümkün görünmüyordu. Gelecek yıl dolu olacağı için benzer bir program olan Comenius Assistanceship programına da başvurmadım. Okul bitiyor, hali hazırda bir işim var ama önümüzdeki yıl bu işte yer almayı düşünmezken bir açmaza doğru ilerliyorum. Bu programın gerçekleşmemesi durumunda deneyebileceğim yollar da kısıtlı, sadece akademik yüksek lisansa girmeye çalışabilir ya da okutmanlık için başvurularda bulunabilirim. Açıkçası sıkıntılı bir dönemdeyim. B planım yok gibi bir şey. Evet, endişeliyim, insanın önünü görememesi çok zor bir şeymiş. Bun hissetmek ise insanı fazlasıyla yoran bir durum. Bir gün şu mailimi açtığımda beklediğim iletini mail kutumda olmasını istiyorum, o gün gelsin istiyorum, sevineyim istiyorum, bu kadar yazdığım sıkıntılarımı unutayım istiyorum, bu stresle geçen yılın sonunda kendime bolca vakit ayırabileceğimi bilmek, ruhsal olarak rahatlamak istiyorum. Sanırım olacaktır, bunu ister buna duacı olurken… Çalıştığım işte de her şey her zaman yolunda gitmiyor. Elimde olmayan sebeplerle ortaya çıkan bu durumlar da beni çok sıkıyor, stres yaşamama sebep oluyor. 

Tüm bunları okuyan acaba ne hisseder??? Hakikaten hala büyüyememişsin mi der…? 

Elvan Katmer

Tarih: Mayıs 2009 - O Hissi Yaşamalısın, Yoksa Bilemezsin

hep söylerdim, heyecanı severim diye. hayatta hep kaybetmekten korktuğumda, kazanacağımı hissettiğimde, hedefime yaklaştığımda içimde bir heyecan duydum. bunun dışında bir buz adam olduğum söylenebilir. heyecanlanmam, heyecanlanmayınca hayattan zevk almam ve genellikle olan da bu... zevksiz, hayatı çok da zevk almadan yaşayan bir insanım. bu şekilde yaşamayı sevdiğimi de söylemiyorum asla. biraz mecburiyetten...... neyse burası uzun mevzu. 

neyse ki beni en çok heyecanlandıarn ve bana zevk veren şeyi bulmuş gibiyim. her şeyin aşırısında olduğu gibi sporunda aşırı olanını bana korku ve heyacanı birlikte sunanını sevdim. uzun zamandır aklımda olan, ama çeşitli sebeplerle bugüne kadar yapamadığım bu işi yapınca şimdiye kadar yapamadığım için üzüldüm, ama daha da geç kalmamış olduğum için açıkçası çok sevindim. ha bi de neyden bahsediyorum değil mi? hahah ya tabi heyecandan onu da unuttum. kaya tırmanışı. şimdi neyse ki bu işleri nasıl yapacağım hakkında daha çok fikrim var. bu işi yapıcam, belki yalnız takılacam ama olsun; solo tırmanış diye bir şey var. ben de bunu yapıcam. önümde başka heyecanlar da var. kayak yapmayı, o hissi tatmayı çok istiyordum. onu yapan bi abiyle tanıştım bu kaya tırmanışı eğitiminde. çok kolaymış aslında. o kadar da pahalı değilmiş. sadece çok sık olursa sarsar. öğrenmesi mi? haha onu da o abimden rica ederim artık. seneye bi ara o giderken ben de ona takılırım. bir düşer iki düşerim ama onu da çözerim. hayattan zevk almanın yollarını bulmak lazım. ben bir yolunu bulmuşum. neden bırakayım ki.....? sonra paraşüt ve planör eğitimleri var. tabi bunlar için biraz daha zamana ihtiyaç var. zira o kadar da ucuz değil. ama bunları yapmanın da bir yolu var. onu da bulmuşum bırakır mıyım? bakıcaz artık, umarım umduklarıma ulaştığım bir hayatı yaşarım. 

olur mu bilmiyorum ama ben olacağına inanıyorum. inanmak istemek ve buna yönelik hareket etmek hedefe ulaşmanın ilk basamağıdır bana göre. kimileri yarısı olduğunu söyler ama o hikaye. nerde öyle, kara ver yarısını hallet; daha ne kadar ekmek yemen lazım o hedefe ulaşmak için.... her neyse ben ilk adımı attım umarım gerisi de gelir. ben öyle olacağına inanıyorum. bakalım, yaşayıp görücez. 

bi de tabi bunların yanına birisi de lazım. hep solo tırmanışla geçmez bu hayat........... 

:))

Elvan Katmer